“Begone!”, squawks the evil chicken.

Soul mate.

Is it someone who you can communicate with without saying a single word? Or is it someone whose strengths are your weaknesses and vice versa. Or someone who is both.

Change.

I’m tired of all the ‘be yourself’ nonsense that this generation seems to celebrate. It’s not true, you can always change for the better. There’s always something about you that is inadequate. It just depends how tolerable that flaw is. 

Zen.

Is it possible? To cease to care about anything. Caring is the root of the problem. If no one cares about anything, there will be no fighting, no struggle, no pain. Is that the answer? Honestly, I wish I could stop caring.

Work.

I’ve always lived a life of striving for things that other people deem important. Am I too easily swayed by public opinion? Or expectations for that matter? I didn’t think getting rich was a priority when I was younger… Yet, when I found out that others have things I don’t, I covet, and then I work to obtain. 

Motives.

When I talk to people, I often realize that my motive for doing things are wrong. And then I get all cynical about people being false. Or am I just different? Is it wrong to compete to win? Is there a point in competing if you don’t win? I could never understand the point. I still don’t.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly autistic. I feel detached from others’ feelings most of the time. I can’t seem to comprehend, can’t seem to empathize. It’s as though I live in some membrane that filters these things out. My parents said I was born a loner. I didn’t seek to fulfill my emotional needs, I just suffered in silence. Maybe it was pride? Or maybe I just… have issues. Sometimes I even giggle when shit happens. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s not even funny, but I can’t help it. It’s as though I can’t formulate a proper response.

Anyway, I’m watching 步步惊心 to pass my new year hols. It’s pretty interesting, my only regret is being shitty at chinese so I can’t comprehend the deep sayings they use to describe stuff. I can only guess :( I think it’s kinda unrealistic at some points, but I guess I can’t expect perfection. 

Although words are cheap, I somehow can’t stop taking them seriously. Is it due to the words itself or the person? Maybe I expect too much. After all, to not expect is to not be disappointed. I’m tired. To be given something and to be given something after asking for it result in two very different emotions. At least dramas have happy endings most of the time. The effort and time put in paid off. Reality has too many flaws.

I guess it’s fitting to write a post on the last day of hols. I am sad :( I guess there really is a problem since I’m not optimistic like some of my friends who think that the stricter the tutor, the better, because you learn more and become a better architect. I just want an easy life :(

I can’t believe how I was whining about the boredom just a little while ago… Just a glance at the schedule and the knowledge of the lack of cny hols makes me wanna cry. Why do I have no drive at all.

Reading Ecclesiastes didn’t help at all. In fact, it reinforced the minimalist mentality. Why bother trying so hard anyway when it amounts to nothing in the end. Just do enough and enjoy what you do. That sums up the whole chapter. 

Meh. 

Maybe I’m jealous or maybe it’s annoying that some people like to post all their intimate couple shots on fb. And it’s kinda funny cos I can still remember what their ex looked like in similar photos. Like really? Is there a need to publicize it to such an extent? Isn’t it awkward to take down all the pics when it ends? Or do you feel the need to ascertain that you’re not single and lonely?

It’s kinda funny how my previous weeks were so empty and now I’m facing a clashing of activities. Argh. And I don’t like to write stuff down (more of lazy) so it’s all based on my somewhat temperamental memory.

Sigh I guess I don’t have that special something that enables me to pursue my dreams. Even though I had advanced warning from Alas of midlife crises. I guess it all boils down to me not wanting my dream enough and being lazy. GRAH I hate being lazy. 

I suppose it’s kinda strange how I make no effort to hide whatever pain I’m going through. Normal people would try to act as if nothing’s wrong but emo in some private place. I dunno… I guess I don’t like to hide stuff, if you want to know that badly, I’ll tell you. Lol, you don’t even to have to want to know badly, curiosity is sufficient.

So… I’ve returned to my real name, pic and gender on fb. What does it mean, I wonder.

Oh and sherlock holmes 2 was really awesome. It was better than the first and I thought the first was pretty damn good… till I saw the second. 

Sigh I wonder if I’ll heal before school reopens. Not expecting a complete recovery but you know, enough to get by.

Actually I think I’m doing this drinking thing wrong. I shouldn’t gulp it down and drink a mouthful of water after every gulp. I’ll never get drunk that way :( So… I guess I’m not coping with it very well. I tried to get drunk to forget my troubles… Which worked to some extent. Am I killing my liver? :(

AND YAY I PASSED. I was so happy. It was like the first course I did, the ‘S’ course which I’ve never striked curb before, I striked it for the first time today. And I was like damn depressed cos I thought I would definitely fail but whew. And after the test, the first thing he asked was why I failed the last time which was -strike kerb. And then I thought argh, fail. And then he was telling me about my other mistakes but I wasn’t in the mood to listen anymore. Then he scolded me for not listening and said that I passed. I was like ‘really?’ in disbelief. So yeah in a much better mood.

I’ve this tendency to make friends when under shitty circumstances aka before the driving test. Find it real easy to connect with people under stress lol, I’ve met two people this way haha.

… But I’m lonely :(

It’s not like it’s my first driving test lol. But argh, I feel so tense and cold and scared in general. I had a fitful sleep because of it and now it’s tormenting me while I’m awake. Oh well, I’ll just drink it off regardless of the outcome. I’m fast becoming an alcoholic lol. Actually, I’m… kinda weak. Half a cup of beer gets me high. I really hope I don’t end up vomiting later.

Sigh sigh and my bank account has never been so empty :( All these #$(%*#$(%% driving lessons/tests siphon the money away from me. Okay and the holiday too. I never knew it’d be this expensive :(

And I’ve been feeling itchy and my eczema is really acting up. Not sure if it’s stress or the weather. Why so itchy :(:(:(:(

I guess my view on relationships changed.

I used to think that as long as both parties like each other, they can just be together without any form of restrictions.

I now realize that things are never that simple. That relationships aren’t a game, that there is a price to pay for such a temporal indulgence.

Perhaps, I won’t be the one paying it this time round but I know I have to stop it before it gets any worse. It’s the right thing to do. The longer I let it drag, the more painful it will become. It’ll be one of the harder things I’ve done considering I don’t want it to end… yet.

Haha I feel as if I’ve become a more considerate person lately, even though I still have a long long way to go.

And I really really like 还是要幸福 by hebe at the moment. It’s kinda suitable for my current mood.

This is the first christmas that I gave more than I received.

I suppose there is some warm feeling that you gain from giving. 

Anyway, I used to think that alcohol is a form of escapism. A delusion for people who can’t handle reality. Well, I still think so. But now I understand why alcohol is so addictive, it really works.

I suppose everyone knows the right way to live. Trust no one but yourself because everyone might betray you someday. It seems to be an easy thing to do but why is it so hard for me. It’ll probably take a rude awakening someday for me to stop my trusting nature. I mean, I don’t trust strangers one bit but friends, I trust them almost 100%.

And I guess I have a really shitty personality. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, I don’t suppose it’d be my last. I really have a horrible temper that comes and goes like mood swings. I inherited it somewhere I guess. And I’m a sloth :( Honestly, for all my jokes about others being forever alone, I think I’ll be the one who seriously, will be forever alone in the end.

I mean, I’m just too far from being an ideal wife/daughter-in-law. Heck, I wouldn’t even want myself for either of those positions. Actually, I’m far from being an ideal anything. All the social roles I play in this life; I suck at all of them. Sometimes, I’m surprised I even have friends. I’ve a feeling it’s because they haven’t seen the worse of me. And for those who have, I’m surprised they stay.

Haha so yeah, I really think I’ll end up forever alone eventually. Even though I’ve had… passing flings and such because some of them think I’m pretty/interesting personality; I’m supposedly at my prime so it’s normal I suppose. After a couple of years, when I lose it all, and they get to know the real me, they’ll all leave me. Haha looks like it’s not that easy to get married after all.

And seriously, some people make it sound like I have a lot of choices. Seriously, come on, maybe they just want me as a trophy girlfriend or something (if I somehow qualify as that), but anything more, nah. I’m starting to feel sad for myself.

The worst part is how I know my faults, but find it almost impossible to change. It’s like, once I get angry, this rage part totally clouds my mind and vision and I lash out at the offending character. And right after I do so, I feel so bad. But if I don’t let it out, my heart starts seething like some fire breathing dragon that is trashing around. It’s like there’s no way out of this other than to not get angry in the first place. But it’s so hard :(

Sigh what a post to post on a christmas day.

I really feel very low these days. Perhaps this is the challenge I asked for. Well, I suppose it could be worse. But yeah, I really can’t stand everything that’s happening at the moment. I just want to get out of the house and not come back. Yeah, you don’t even have to chase me out.

It’s just so depressing to be in a cold war. On one hand, I’ve never been on such a tight leash. On the other hand, I don’t want to lie. But really, if it comes to it, I will lie. It’s not that I don’t understand your point of view. But I don’t accept it. I want to learn to hard way. Let me learn it. I understand that the basis of all this nonsense is ‘face’. Yeah, it would reflect really badly of you if you can’t even control your own daughter. Badly brought up blah blah. But really, being so manipulative doesn’t reflect well on you either.

And I’ve never been the type of person to keep my problems to myself so you know where this goes. And I know how much you don’t like washing dirty linen in public. Well, too bad. You can’t have the cake and eat it. 

Anyway, as much as I don’t like the taste of almost all alcoholic drinks, this would be enough reason for me to start. I never had such an overwhelming desire to escape reality. Okay, school does that to me sometimes, but I really find it such an awful holiday. I almost want school to start sooner. Even though archi is another kind of torture by itself. 

Maybe my blog isn’t going to disappear after all?

Anyway, I’m just so ARGH with the amount of clothes I buy but never wear. It’s not that I buy a lot. Around one thing a month or so. But but it’s like all these pretty dresses and stuff that I don’t wear because I’m scared to wear them. I feel awkward as if I’m trying too hard. So I just end up admiring myself in the mirror and telling myself not to buy anymore because I won’t wear it anyway. I’ve quite a few dresses that have been sitting in my closet ever since the day they were bought :( The fact that I have never had a real job makes things worse because I’m just wasting my parents’ money :( In fact buying things I want (like clothes) and not things I need is a waste of money already.

I went to amk with ham today. Bought quite a number of necessities such as dental floss and hair serum. I was really tempted to buy another dress and this sweated thing. BUT I just know that I will probably never wear it so I didn’t buy it. Maybe I should be a image consultant or something. I can buy stuff for other people to wear haha. IT’s not like I don’t have a fashion sense okay. I just don’t wear most of the stuff I own :(

Oh and I was considering buying baby oil today. I was trying to get the scent particles to come out from the bottle so I squeezed it a little and the oil somehow spurted down my right nostril. It was pretty comical for ham. It was a new experience for me. My nose still doesn’t feel right even after a few hours. 

I guess I’m really torn between wanting to be pretty and not wanting to look desperate. Okay I’m not saying that everyone who dresses up is desperate. But it just doesn’t feel right for me. I mean, I do dress up on occasion but I can’t seem to do so for random outings because it doesn’t feel necessary. I shouldn’t even buy makeup because I use it once in a few months :’( I keep worrying that I’ll be old soon and won’t get to do these ‘little girl dress up’ things anymore. I mean, I’m worried I’ll no longer have the looks and figure to pull off this look.

I really have this bad habit of liking what other people buy. I tend to buy clothes based on other peoples’ tastes (I mean I must agree that it’s nice too) because I rarely trust my own taste. Or maybe , it’s because they have it so I want to have it too. Argh the complexities of life.

And well I am currently watching 原来是美男. It’s pretty decent. Better than BOF. The only other korean drama I’ve ever watched. And I’ve been doing reading on the mindsets of single women age 30-40. Like the pros and cons of staying single. It’s better to prepare in advance right. I want to learn from their mistakes cos well, I want to be happy. Maybe I’m worrying too much but it’s never too early to prepare. 10 years will pass in a flash and damn, it’ll be too late for regrets. Anyhow, anyone who wants to read the info I’ve collected can just ask.  

My blog is still here.

However I am @#*$%$#%*$#%$#((  damn pissed. I lost my pink and black adidas jacket. YES the one I’ve been wearing for the past 2 years. I REALLY LOVED THAT JACKET. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S GONE AND I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LAST PUT IT. FIRST MY FAVOURITE DRESS, NEXT MY FAVOURITE JACKET. WHAT’S NEXT HUH. I’M REALLY UPSET WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW. 

I honestly thought I could keep this blog forever. But I guess. All good things come to an end. Blogsome is closing down and well, this blog will cease to exist.

It was good honestly. I really liked my past 6 years here. Sobs. 

Maybe I don’t give a shit because I don’t give a shit about my studies anymore? I don’t even feel the stress I should feel the morning before. As in the hour before the paper starts. Like seriously, this isn’t good.

Maybe what’s stopping me from seriously considering any other course is that I am too comfortable in this course. I’ve pretty much everything I need/want (that is not tangibly from the course) and I fear that I will regret if I do. And everyone seems to tell me that their course sucks so really, am I jumping ship just because it seems greener?

The thing is, I don’t see how grades will really affect my future anymore. As long as I pass, it’s okay right? I don’t need good grades anymore right…? 

And honestly, this course doesn’t give me any real satisfaction in myself. I feel like I’m learning just to get by. It’s kinda different from how I used to learn out of fear. Fear of destroying my future. I guess it means I’m not as stressed now, okay, maybe it’s a different kind of stress. The fact that I’m starting to escape reality again shows I’m in denial. Anyway, is uni supposed to give you satisfaction? Or is it just another screwed up stepping stone to a bleak future (for those like me)?

Sigh sigh sigh. The thing is that if I lose my intangible happiness, is there any reason to stay on? And my intangible happiness is uncertain as well. I’m greedy. Not contented with it. Although there are rather superficial reasons for my discontentment. I really hope I grow up and realize what I have before I lose it forever.

I really feel like shit nowadays. This uncertainty and lack of direction in life is worrying. Will the answer suddenly materialize one day? Or will I always be like this. I’m not sure I can handle this mental strain for years on end. Especially with the extra shit to think about.

Every exam feels like the last one but it never is. I REALLY HATE THIS VICIOUS CYCLE. Procrastination, panic, desperation. SERIOUSLY!? How many more times must I go through this in life.

I’m just so tired of this shit. And I’m losing so much hair. I don’t want to be bald. And my value as a commodity falls every year, I can feel it. It’s all about scamming someone into marrying me now. In a couple of years, I’ll be old and well, unable to compete with younger girls. ACTUALLY I’M JUST TALKING NONSENSE AT THE MOMENT. I mean, it’s true but not entirely true. But I’m just really stressed and pissed and wanting to watch tv. AND MY PARENTS NO LET ME WHY NO LET ME @(%$*#%$(#%$#%.

And I feel very pressurized by EVERYTHING. Okay actually just one or two things but STILL. I have no drive to study. DOES IT REALLY MATTER? The thing is, I AM SO DISILLUSIONED BY GRADES. AND MONEY. Really, so what, SO WHAT that I did well for As. IT’s not like I’m doing well now. It’s not like they helped me in any single @#($#%$#* way. No, actually, my education has only given me some complex and ego which keeps making me try harder just to prove I am academically inclined. WHICH I STILL THINK I AM NOT INTRINSICALLY SO BUT SOCIETY HAS EXPECTATIONS OF ME AND FAILING THEM WOULD MAKE ME EMO.

I don’t think I cared so much during internal exams previously because expectations were not so high. I was a nobody and I was expected to just be average. BUT NOW, MY EXPECTATIONS OF MYSELF ARE SO #@($%$#%(#$%$. I really don’t want to be just average in this course. I AM SAYING ALL THIS ELITIST(really?), POLITICALLY INCORRECT SHIT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM CRAZY. I am totally asking for trouble right now. Go on, gossip some more, my reputation went down the drain long ago.

I need to learn to shut up. There’s no point telling anyone anything. Especially the truth. No one likes to hear the truth. It’s just really sad that I can’t lie to save my life. So I really should just shut up.  

Why are the right decisions always so hard to make. Somehow emotional pain feels as real as physical pain even though it’s all in your head. Honestly, I really don’t think I’m cut out for this. Maybe I never will be?

I’m kinda sad that I fell on my models and smashed pretty much all of them. Although I won’t need them in my life anymore… It still represented a great many hours I spent toiling on them. I just feel kinda sad that they have no value in pieces… I should just throw them away.

And I really don’t like my portfolio. I really hate the bulky feel it has. Some may consider it monumental but really, it just feels like a huge waste of material to me. No doubt it stands out among its lithe printed counterparts… I mean okay maybe that’s how I perceive myself in a crowd. But sigh, I really think it was better in two booklets but since the tutor wants it that way, I’ve no choice :( Maybe I’ll learn to like it.

Other than the fact that I think I’m going blind, I’m generally quite satisfied with what I have at the moment. Both the tangible and intangible bits. 

I really should be studying but sigh. It’s so hard to start. And I should bathe. 

At times I really think I should spend more time/money on being pretty. After all, I’m only young once. I should like buy more clothes and beauty products and take more pics so that I’ll have something to reminisce when I’m old. Haha and well, I don’t really have opportunities to attract guys so yeah, just in case you’re wondering. Archi only has that few and well… they’ve seen me at my worst so I don’t think I’ll get any attention even if I tried haha.

And I’m still really jealous of people who will be rich in future :( Okay more of people who will earn money easily in future :( 

My dad’s sad that no one wants me. But anyway, that’s not my biggest concern at the moment.

I broke down today when I sliced a 3mm deep cut on my thumb. Only reason why it didn’t get any deeper was because my nail was there. I was really tired, pissed and stressed and that was the final straw. But I picked myself up and carried on because I don’t have a choice. Strangely, I’m getting used to these really screwed up days.

Today I felt like a true hobo when I put my pillow in my blanket made a sling with it and carried all the way home. I suppose I was quite eye catching but I thrive on attention anyway. Oh and this random rj girl helped me zip my bag :) Should have asked for her number haha.

I really hate it when anyone makes me think about what I’m doing with my life. I keep reconsidering my lack of future again and again and again. Rather, lack of money/prestige/whatever that could be associated with good enough grades. It’s like, if I want to make money easily in future, I should just go overseas and do med/dent instead of earning it the hard way with any other course. It’s kinda ridiculous that I am still questioning what I want in life. 

I know I am a realist, a very practical one at that. It doesn’t make sense for me to continue with archi because it’s not my dream… it’s just I dunno, something I don’t mind? Is that enough? Am I going to regret it? I hate all this uncertainty :( 

Sigh. Still have so much to do and study :( Okay not really that much to do, a lot to study :( 

I don’t know what to do.

Is there such a thing? Anyway, I just went for my own form of interval training. Haha if you can even call it that. Basically I sprint around 20m and then sit down repeatedly. I guess it helped with my rather troubling thoughts. I hate it when I am plagued by all sorts of complicated thoughts. Things that cannot be rationalized.

So I just take the easy way out by running and hopefully burning some fat around my tummy. REALLY I cannot eat like this anymore, my tummy won’t go down even after gymming :( Although I feel like I am putting weight around another part of my body lol but still, I don’t wanna be fat :( No more supper.

Sigh so much to do and my efficiency level is pretty low. COME ON YOU CAN DO THIS.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about this but I’m anticipating hols with misgivings. On one hand, I yeah, can’t wait to meet up with all my old friends and have fun, on the other hand, I am not looking forward to a change of studio.

I mean, I can’t say that I am in love with my studio like other people. I have a clique… And I’m comfortable with the rest of the people. Except for a few people. So that’s pretty decent already? I don’t want change :( 

The worst part is how I tend to hang on to old friends too much in an effort to resist change. I wonder how this will turn out. 

And it’s not like I’m the easiest person to hang out with. I normally don’t know what’s going on. I’m very disorganized and dependent on other people. And I have a very strong personality meaning that people either like me or hate me. And maybe everyone will hate me and I’ll quit archi but anyway, that wasn’t my point.

I just am trying to treasure the time I currently have with my friends cos I’ll have to let them go in about a month or so :( As much as people like to say ‘friends forever’, we all know the inevitable happens right? It becomes something more like ‘acquaintances forever’. Which is really sad but well… I’ve never been optimistic about such things.

I really shouldn’t be thinking about this right now. Should go back to mugging.

I am vaguely confused and conflicted but nevermind, that’s not the issue most problematic at hand. The thing is I’ve been too damned slack. And my ankle hurts :( 

If someone asked me how much does life suck at the moment, I’d give it a 9/10.

I can hardly believe I’m awake at 4.38am. WTF. Okay I napped a bit but still. And the last two days I slept at 6am. REALLY? My body clock has totally changed.

And I’VE SO MUCH $#(^$%^*%$^(% WORK AGAIN. DAMNIT. Okay somehow some people think it’s not much but WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE A STONE AROUND MY NECK. Do I worry too much? I feel burdened ALL THE TIME. WILL I EVER GET USED TO IT? 

Although I’m pretty inspired by Richard Neutra. BUT STILL, really? THIS INSPIRED TO BE DOING HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY AT 5AM?

And how do I put it. I LOST MY CONTENTMENT. Okay I am this close to using swear words on my blog. I’m trying very hard to keep it clean. Although keeping it clean is clearly is not the case in real life.

I’ve never been good with delayed gratification. Especially one with no real deadline. IT CAN BE LATER TODAY, TOMORROW, NEXT WEEK, NEXT MONTH, NEXT YEAR, NEXT DECADE? REALLY? If that isn’t enough to piss anyone off, I don’t know what is. And I am supposed to accept it with a smile on my face? I probably don’t formulate my thoughts very well nowadays BECAUSE OF THE DAMNED LACK OF SLEEP. BUT I HAVE A CLEARER PRESENCE OF MIND WHEN I BLOG. I DON’T CONTRADICT MYSELF SO MUCH.

So… That’s it? I just can’t believe you’d just let me go.

Haha if I were a teenager, I’d totally use the hyphen shit thing and cross it out but yeah. I’m not that young anymore. And not that retarded. And I know that begging is futile, not that I won’t try it when I’m really really desperate but yeah, I know it when it’s over. I give up.

I have to accept my fate. Just don’t make it any harder for me.

Haha anyway, I think archi people in general are bad tempered or may just those without sleep AND WE DAMNED WELL DESERVE TO BE THAT WAY. I’M TOTALLY SHOUTING IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. And then I laugh at myself for being so sad. Actually no, maybe just me and caesar. I think I’m starting to empathize with him BECAUSE I’M SLEEPING ALMOST AS LITTLE AS HE DOES. AN HOUR OF SLEEP IN TWO DAYS? ANYONE WOULD BE PISSED ALL THE TIME.

I want to finish this SHIT SO BADLY BUT ASE*@#$#&$%$(#^&$%^$% @#*$%#$*%#$(*#$(*^&$((*(*^$#@(*. I think I should just do it tomorrow. 

Strangely enough, I’ve been totally fine. Maybe I’ve gotten over it already. But I suppose it’ll come and go as usual. Like all others.

However, to say I’m not happy is an understatement. I’m vaguely pissed and I can be a total bitch when stuff happens. There is a fine line between the most extreme emotions around. I’ll probably do shit I’ll regret. But anyway for now, I still have my wits about me.

And I’m kinda pissed that my dress has gone missing. I really hope I brought it home though I am pretty sure I didn’t. WHO THE @#$%^$%^ steals clothes anyway. Come on it’s not expensive but still I HAVE SO FEW DRESSES. Like I can count them on one hand. DO YOU HAVE TO DEPRIVE ME OF MY ONLY SUNDRESS. WHY NOT PICK ON SOMEONE WHO HAS CLOSETS FULL OF CLOTHES. COME ON.

Okay I’ll retract this shit if I find it but yeah, before that, SERIOUSLY!?

This is a morbid account of how I lost two fingerprints on my left hand. If you can’t take it, don’t read it.

Perhaps I was not really myself last night.

Yeah I was doing the damned wire soldering and I guess I wasn’t concentrating. I grabbed the metal part of the soldering iron with my left hand and only realized it after the pain started. No words can describe the kind of pain. For awhile, I was stunned, and I thought, maybe this is why people cut themselves. The physical pain really… works.

Of course I administered first aid on myself with cold water from the water cooler. For awhile, I couldn’t feel anything in my finger tips. I was like wow, so cool. I guess reality hadn’t hit me yet. Excruciating pain started every time I stopped the cold water though. I had to continue soldering though. 

Haha well, I think it’s just a first degree burn since I can still feel stuff. I’m kinda sad I lost my fingerprints though :( It’s not the first fingerprints I’ve lost to soldering though. The first was on my right middle finger. But it was a really small spot. This one is like woah. Multiple sections are gone forever. OKAY I AM VERY SAD I LOST MY FINGERPRINTS. DAMNIT. Especially my left ring finger. My left thumb is not in that bad a shape.

Maybe I’ll lose them all in the course of this model. Or in the course of archi. Maybe I’ll lose more than that.

I suppose I’ll remember last night for a really long time. Maybe forever. 

Perhaps if I had some goal or ambition in life. Or some passion for something. I could have been someone.

But no, I guess it wasn’t meant to be?

Maybe it’s a really bad habit to stalk people on fb; people who I admire for having a life, or rather, having some ambition in life. You know the blah blah get prestigious scholarship to go to some ivy league school.

I wonder if I could have made it somewhere if I really wanted to. I mean of course everyone wants to but I don’t want it badly enough. Maybe I’m not talented enough or maybe I don’t work hard enough, I don’t know.

Will I regret not wanting it badly enough? Okay, it’s not like I can make myself want it. It’s not like I can suddenly have a goal in life.

I know I’ve much to be grateful for. I’ve awesome friends in a course I don’t hate. It could have been much worse. But could it also have been better? 

Sometimes I feel that archi is really about everything, I think, write, make, draw, calculate. At least it’s not boring? Something new everyday. Although that can be a bad thing considering how scary change is. It’s kinda funny how this week was filled with so much shit, yet at the blink of an eye, it’s over. Okay, fine, I still have a presentation next week and a model to start doing but yeah. It’s just funny that no matter how insurmountable shit is, it just gets done somehow. Maybe I worry too much.

Honestly, had I known uni would be like this, I would have enjoyed my jc, sec, pri days more. Just a shoutout to everyone younger than me. Haha but it won’t feel that way at that point in time. Life just gets harder I suppose. I think I’ll have the same thoughts when I start working. 

I just happened to catch a snippet of a hk drama where this policewoman was desperately trying to revive this woman who stopped breathing/heart stopped beating after a drug overdose. I mean, wow, she managed to die so easily/and in ecstasy? and you’re trying to bring her back? Is this world really that beautiful? That’s what the policewoman told the girl while resuscitating her.

Anyway, maybe women aren’t commodities. Beautiful women are though. I heard someone make this remark on a woman on tv. ‘She married this fat, pimply guy. Her beauty is wasted.’ Really? Is that how it is? Just because an ugly guy gets a hot girl, the hot girl’s beauty is wasted? I mean come on, what happened to the whole ‘looking beyond the exterior’, judging based on personality thing? I mean duh, packaging matters. But it shouldn’t matter that much. Ideally, it shouldn’t matter at all. But of course, nothing is ideal.

Somehow it’s not the case for a hot guy and an ugly girl. No one will say his looks are wasted on the girl. Strange.

Okay yeah I’m in a weird contemplative mood. But honestly, I’m pretty satisfied with my life at the moment? I mean, I have the stuff I really need/want. The rest of the other stuff is just stuff that is good to have I suppose. Nothing essential. If I could detach myself from such stuff, I think I’m actually contented with life. Hmm.

But I kinda want to pass my driving test… But it’s really hard because I can’t sense the car very well. Once I make a mistake, I can’t rectify it ie. it’s all over. But oh well, after being through so much shit, I’ve learnt to take things in my stride. I suppose that’s a good thing.

Sickeningly sweet love dramas are such a drug. Once you start watching, you have difficulties stopping. Even though the plot, acting, voices are shitty, you can’t help but want to continue. Why? Because of the promise of a happy ending. That’s all you really watch it for. Watching two good looking people get together and live happily ever after. Kinda what everyone wants their life to be like. Sad that reality is so far off for most people.

I really hate myself for being so weak. I need to finish the damned essay and get it over with instead of doing all kinds of shit to delay the inevitable. I should just sleep now and hope for the ‘fire burning butt feeling’ tomorrow. Yeah, I’ll probably get it considering how I’ll have to rush out more stuff.

Maybe I’ll never learn to stop procrastinating. Maybe I’ll never grow up.

I’m in a pretty good mood now even though I’ve so much work to do. Yeah somehow, things sorta worked out, it’s really unexpected but yeah, looks like all that emoing and conviction was pointless?

Anyhow, yeah, I just hope I remain this happy, or rather, maintain this current mood. It’s way more effective for mugging purposes. And everything else.

Piano works. So does o2mania. So does some shitty sasunaru. So does anything that takes me away from reality. In a better mood now. I suppose I can’t stay emo forever. Haha aiyah, what’s this patheticness? Get a grip. It’s not like I’m not used to feeling like shit. Oh and I really don’t like my ipod earphones. Doesn’t fit well and it’s annoying as hell. Doesn’t shut out noise at all. Haha going to mun’s house later. Exciting much. I am so into cheap thrills nowadays. Totally procrastinating my work wth. So much to do, so little time. And I realized how much I miss my bed. Like seriously. I was okay without it but now that I have it again, it’s like, I NEED IT. But I know it’s all in my head. It’s just a want. Just like everything else.

I’m containing my emotions pretty well. Was vaguely pissed and shit awhile ago. Gymming always helps. The ice cream didn’t though. Oh well. It’ll take awhile for me to get over this. There’s always more fish in the sea. It’s not like I don’t have options. Now to pick myself up and regain my self-confidence.

Investing 50% instead of the usual 100% is a strange feeling. Perhaps it won’t hurt so much this time because I expect the same returns that I invest. Fireworks expend all their energy in one burst of light, it’s always so damned beautiful but it never lasts. I guess fireworks don’t work then. Melancholy? Yeah its always been a big part of my life. Always wanting that ball of light but I just can’t get it.

I guess it’s true that uni life will be the most fun part of your life. I’ve tried a lot of new shit, things I thought I would never do. I’ve pushed myself harder than I ever have in life, slept the least, felt so much disappointment. And it’s only been a month or so. I don’t regret taking archi up till now. I think I’ve changed for the better, or at least enriched my life in many ways. But this same shit for 5 years…? I really dunno.

At least I’ve clarified what I have to. All I have to do is wait and see. In a way I feel like I am set free from all the obligations I impose on myself because of my own idealogies. Haha yeah, it’s a new experience because I’ve never been in ‘open’ whatever shit before. I’ve always had my own misplaced sense of responsibility. Nevermind, I’m still trying to find the place to draw the line.

Anyway, I finally understand why people do bad things. The thrill is woah. Akin to taking drugs. I was so high for awhile. Luckily nothing bad happened haha. Still, I guess taking huge risks are exhilarating. I gambled with my future today lol. I… won? Actually that’s not a good thing. I’ll be braver next time and be even more inclined to screw up. Sigh. Bad influences lol.

My emotions are constantly on a damned rollercoaster. It’s always heaven and then hell. I need to go rant at some tree in the sky again. Sometimes I really cannot understand why I am so needy. I mean, I don’t express it but I totally feel it. And I always feel like I give more than I take? Or is it just me. It just takes a toil on my mental state time after time after time. I always question whether it is just me pulling the whole shit along when this happens. Whether I am doing too much to keep it going. It pisses me off big time and I wonder how I can still continue doing work like this. It just feels like my heart is weighed down by a whole truckload of rocks. I guess I’m still a damned girl inside since I care about these things. It’s really quite broken at the moment.

But it looks like I failed again. My conviction is only so much :( I can’t resist temptation most of the time… I’m really happy at the moment though :)

Oh and my first crit is tomorrow. So scary. Still unprepared :(

Maybe I made a mistake? I well… took a gamble and dug out all the coal in my heart and dumped it on someone. I guess the weight of my emotional baggage is really too much to carry. I completely understand why you had to go. It’s not that I don’t care, in fact, it really really hurts. But I wouldn’t want you to stay just because you pity me, or because of some misguided sense of obligation.

I know I’ve done too much shit to start over. Sometimes the folly of youth will carry on to adulthood. Sometimes, things you’ve done can never be erased.

Yeah, I know I’m ‘fine’ for now. But time helps wounds to scab… I think. Scars are unavoidable but well, at least it will no longer be an open wound.

Here we go again…

Vaguely confused, vaguely stressed.

I don’t hate my course, but I don’t love it either? I mean I don’t mind what I’m doing even though there’s so much of it… And I do have decent friends. And I feel that I won’t gain as much acceptance in another course lol.

Haha so I wonder whether I should try for another course next year or just stick to this. Actually, I still have a lot of time to think so yeah.