“Begone!”, squawks the evil chicken.

Is seriously one of the dumbest shows I’ve watched ever. Okay, I can’t say that any of the Korean dramas I’ve watched so far aren’t dumb, but this… Really takes the cake.I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time on this shit. And I have yet to finish it.

There’s only one word to describe the girl, loser. She has nothing to offer yet she keeps stalking a guy who has everything. I mean, okay, yes I feel pity for this loser for not having anything, but her lack of dignity is really disgusting. She would do anything for the guy, like seriously anything. 

There has to be a limit to what one should do for love, especially unrequited love.

The only saving grace of the show was Kim Hyun Joong.

Rather, my email.

It wasn’t easy. So many memories, so many people who were once important in my life. It was hard to click ‘empty bin’. But I guess I have to let go someday.

Next thing to clear is my more tangible memory box under my bed. I still can’t get rid of it argh. There are just so many things… Haha and I really have to clear my song list in my phone. Everytime a song which meant something plays during shuffle, I sink back into a time where well, I thought I was happy. Damnit I need burn everything.

I opened my memory box today. I read some stuff I wrote a couple of years ago. I… couldn’t believe how sad I was. Haha young and stupid as they say, but I guess these experiences served to harden my heart. However, I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing. Sometimes I wish I still had the naivety of a teenager. It’s so sad to be this cynical and unable to give my all because I know that nothing lasts. 

It started with the need to catch the bus.

Joker was climbing the wall halfway when he saw the bus pass him. He swore under his breath and doubled his speed to clear the wall. "Hurry up Batman!" He hollered while running towards to the bus. For some reason, Batman was not very adept at climbing walls and took way longer than Joker to scale the wall.

Joker was thinking desperately what was the best step to take. He stood at the bus door so that it could not close while asking the bus caption, "I’m really sorry but can you please wait for my friend. He’s coming really soon." The bus caption replied, "I’ve no time, I have to go." Joker did not want to give up and just stood there while beckoning Batman to run faster.

Somehow, they made it on the bus. It was the first time Joker did anything like that. He felt so awkward and embarrassed while standing in the bus. Batman, however, seemed fine. "Why are we standing? There are seats." Joker said while looking around. "Oh." Batman commented. Joker then sat down at the seat. He could not take the constant staring/glaring from the other passengers.

Joker then related the whole holding up the bus incident to Batman. "You know, they saw us climbing the wall." Joker said. Batman shrugged.

It started with a game.

"Let’s play a game of who can keep quiet the longest." Batman suggested one day. Joker replied, "This is a stupid game and you will definitely lose." "No, you will." Batman said haughtily. "Okay fine." Joker replied. "First person who says a word pays $2." Batman stated. Joker nodded in agreement while rolling his eyes. Batman stuck out his pinky to pinky-promise, Joker reluctantly linked pinkies with Batman.

Joker started writing on Batman’s paper to communicate. "Can I borrow your drawing?" "It’s in the book." "I want to see yours." Batman handed over his drawing. "Every word costs $2." Batman wrote while circling the amount. Joker was amused at Batman’s immaturity and merely nodded. 

A couple of minutes later, Batman was frustrated at a particular drawing and Joker’s constant smirking and said, "What." Joker smirked and pointed to what Batman wrote. Batman tried to get out of it by mouthing, "Everyone gets one chance." Joker shook his head and circled ‘$2′. Batman reluctantly took out his wallet and threw the $2 at him. Joker then proceeded to write on the paper, "I don’t think you want to play anymore, you’ll go bankrupt." Batman denied it but finally agreed to end the game.

Joker felt like being a nice guy and said, "Okay I’ll use this to buy us a caramel frap." Batman agreed. However, Joker forgot all about it and kept the money till today.

Bah. I just have too much time. The contrast between holidays and school time is just too great. Why can’t they spread it out and take away some holiday time instead == We’ll lead a healthier life that way.

And lately I’ve been worrying about being poor. Maybe I really should have heeded my mum’s advice and applied for med overseas. I’m just floundering in whatever I’m doing now… She keeps telling me I used to have a bright future and now I’m just going down the drain. Sigh. And everything is so expensive these days. Will I really be able to support myself? It seems like the older generations have so much more money than my generation, and things were cheaper then. I don’t know if I can even afford the basic necessities next time if I’m merely an average worker.

Maybe it’s better if I… Argh. Try to apply for med next year for the sake of money? I know it’s completely against my morals. That’s why I never had a desire to be a doctor. It just seems wrong to do med for the money. Somehow, for other courses, it’s okay, but med is different.

Haha it’s kinda funny how I’m having all this mid-life crisis shit now. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I really thought it could be just I like this course, I finish it, get a good job and happily ever after. But no, there are just so many practical considerations. It’s so hard to make a living these days.

Maybe… I should just stay at home and don’t spend money lol. Every time I go out, it’s at least 10 dollars including transport, not to mention the fact that I buy random stuff occasionally.

Is it normal to be so scared of the future? Am I just being overly worried? What is the right thing to do. Sigh, I really miss my childhood. Becoming an adult is so scary.

The best way to deal with it is a good run. Or any other activity that gets your heart rate from normal to maximum.

I really hate organizing things sometimes. I just can’t take the stress when there is uncertainty or problems. It feels like it is totally my obligation to get things done right. Even though I know that the most that can happen is the we don’t go for the event, it always feels like a life and death matter for me. ARGH, at least I feel better after the run. The bottled emotions really threatened to suffocate earlier.

And I’m really sorry for changing like the wind. My emotions have never been stable and I really hope you get over it sometime soon.

Actually I don’t know how this one started.

"I think hentai is better than porn. Porn has no storyline and the characters are so shallow. It’s boring. At least some hentai has some effort put into it." Joker remarked one day. Batman was taken aback but responded, "But porn is just for… release, it doesn’t matter if there is a storyline or not." "Let me show you how awesome hentai can be." Joker smirked.

Joker proceeded to show Batman one of his all-time favourite hentai mangas. Batman was a bit perturbed to be looking at it with people around. Especially in a public space like a computer lab. It was his first time being an exhibitionist. Meanwhile, Joker sniggered to himself and pretended he was not involved. As more and more explicit images came on screen, Batman started shrinking the image while Joker cackled to himself.

Joker began checking Batman for any signs of tenting. Batman, however, did not display any signs. Batman noticed Joker checking and said while looking down, "He’s not used to this, neither am I." Joker was sad that his evil scheme failed but nonetheless, he was certain that Batman would continue reading in his own private time. 

It started with a bird.

Joker and Batman were discussing the philosophies of good and evil one night on the 4th floor. "Wow it’s a white bird on the tree, eh I think it’s a cockatoo." Joker exclaimed when he saw a white cockatoo perched on a nearby tree. Batman was also quite curious as this was a rare occasion. "Let’s try to catch it. How about searching youtube for some bird calls." Joker suggested. Batman was bored so he just went along with this scheme. However, they could not find anything useful and the computer was unable to play the sound loud enough.

Joker, having had prior experience with convincing a koala bear to hug him, decided to try to impress Batman by stalking over to the tree and opened his arms to the bird. "Come here birdy, I promise I won’t hurt you!" Joker shouted to the bird. However, the bird was not interested. Meanwhile, Batman sniggered in a corner. Joker was not satisfied and said, "Eh Batman, you try it." Batman went over and did the same thing and tried to whistle to the bird. However, the bird refused to budge.

Joker decided that the bird had taunted them long enough and came up with a plan for revenge. "Let’s throw paper planes at the bird to show him who’s boss." Joker stated. Batman shrugged and they both began to fold paper planes. Joker folded his planes swiftly while Batman tried to be accurate. Both of them threw paper planes at the bird but missed badly. Joker then climbed over the railing to get a better shot. Batman followed. However, both failed. 

"How about let’s just leave our mark on the tree instead." Batman suggested. Joker realized that the bird had won and decided to just let it go. Thus they both tried to get their paper planes stuck on the tree. Joker managed to get his paper plane stuck in the tree on his second try. Batman said, "I’ll get mine stuck on a higher place than yours." Joker merely smirked, "We’ll see if you can even get one stuck in the first place." After a few more tries, Batman was still unable to do so. Batman was sad that he could not get the paper plane trapped on the tree and appealed to Joker, "Can we just say that the paper plane was thrown by both of us?" Joker smirked and replied, "So we held on to the paper plane and threw it together?"

Eventually, Joker managed to get another paper plane stuck in the tree and decided to give Batman a chance. "Okay, so this one’s mine and that one’s yours." Batman was happy. However, a gust of wind blew one of the planes down. "Okay nevermind, we can just share that one." Joker relented.

It was Batman and Joker’s first time on a ledge. "Dare to stand on the edge?" Joker dared Batman. Batman was scared but he managed to take a few steps to the end, and hold on to the sunshading device and gave a manly growl. He quickly edged back to the railing and held on for dear life. Joker was impressed that Batman managed to accomplish that feat and strived to do the same. Joker was able to put one foot on the edge while holding the sun shading device but he was scared to put his other foot on the edge. "It’s okay you don’t have to do it, I don’t want you to die." Batman told Joker. "Argh, I have to. Give me 5 minutes to get accustomed to it." Joker replied. He stood there for awhile before finally putting his other foot there for a little while before taking it off. The adrenaline rush was incredible.

Both of them were really tired after the death defying experience and decided to sit down on the ledge. They started talking about life, friends and family issues. Eventually, they ended up lying down on the ledge with their feet dangling out.  

It was another exciting day for Batman and Joker.

Made me cry like a baby. Haha at first I thought it was ridiculously stupid and lame and the acting was bad. But it was just so touching how ridiculously selfless the robot was. Ridiculously pure love. But yeah, it’s too perfect to exist. I’m glad I didn’t stop watching halfway. And the ending was really well-done. I wouldn’t have been satisfied any other way.

It all started with revenge.

After washing his hands due to the climbing of the construction, Joker had a nefarious scheme up his sleeve. He decided to give Batman jaundice by giving him the shock of his life. He splashed Batman with water when he least expected it. Needless to say, Batman was doubly shocked by the water and the immaturity displayed by Joker. 

Joker, however, rubbed his hands with glee at his success. Little did he know that Batman had revenge on his mind.

Batman waited for the right opportunity. It took him a day to get his revenge but revenge is a dish best served cold. It was out of the blue after dinner when he surprised Joker with a sprinkling of cold water. Joker was surprised that Batman was such a person. But he thought to himself, ‘why… I think he’s coming over the dark side.’ So he gave his signature grin and plotted his revenge.

Joker was cunning as he was sly so he managed to spray Batman a couple of times, making it look like an accident. However, Batman eventually caught on to Joker’s scheme and plotted his revenge hours later by putting cream on Joker’s arm. 

Joker couldn’t take this insolence and went swiftly after Batman with a bottle of ice cold water. He couldn’t attack Batman while he was filling his bottle as that would be too underhanded. So he decided to make his presence known and Batman, feeling scared and guilty, would automatically turn around and face him. Batman did not have time to fill up his own bottle so Joker had all the advantage here.

As Joker did not want to be splashed with water, even with the minute amount in Batman’s bottle, he decided to create standstill by grabbing Batman’s bottle. So both of them were locked in that position for quite some time. Both of them refused to give in. However, Batman did not realize that Joker had a plan up his sleeve. Joker led them both to the bus stop and waited for his bus to arrive so that he could pour the water on Batman and get away swiftly when the bus arrived.

However, the bus didn’t arrive. Eventually, Batman was thirsty and drank the water in his bottle while Joker held on to it. However, Batman promised that he would slap Joker if he were to pour water on him. Joker took some time to think about this. Meanwhile, Batman tried to get away. Joker decided that range attacks were more fair and tried to get Batman. Batman, thinking he was safe, decided to go closer and taunt Joker. This resulted in him getting wet.

Once again, Joker one-upped Batman.

It started with the thrill of danger.

"Wow it’s a construction 4 stories high! You don’t see that often. Let’s climb it." Joker said excitedly. "But it doesn’t look safe… And I’ve never done this before." Batman was uncertain about height elements. "Come on, don’t be a pussy, we’ll do this at night when no one is around." Joker taunted. Batman gave a grudging nod.

The 4 story high construction was only accessible from the 4th story of the building right next to it. As they approached the construction, Joker confidently climbed over the railing and onto the steel planks. Batman was less sure of himself and gritted his teeth in an effort to not lose to Joker. Joker hid his fear well, the planks moved when he stepped on them and the gaps between each plank gave a clear view of the floor down below. Both of them kept a firm grip on the steel members that held the structure together enjoying the thrill of it all. Joker sat down on the planks and beckoned to Batman, "I think it’s safer to sit. Just sit on the plank close to the steel member so that if anything happens, you have something to grab on to. Batman said, "Good idea and sat down." He kept a very firm grip on the poles next to him.

Joker then noticed a cantilevered ledge further out and this piqued his interest greatly. "How about let’s go sit over there, it seems fun." Joker smirked. Batman, in an effort to show his bravado, made his way across swiftly and sat down on the ledge. Joker was surprised that he was so brave and commented, "Wow I’m impressed, even I would think twice about cantilevers." Batman was shocked and immediately got up and examined the edge, "I… don’t feel so safe now." 

Joker, being a man that lived for the thrill and rivaling Batman, decided to sit on the ledge and gave a pose that showed his lack of concern over the cantilever. Batman, seeing that he had been one-upped, had no choice but to sit on the ledge as well. "You look so at ease sitting there…" Batman stated while gripping the pole tightly. "Huh… You’re just scared." Joker taunted even though he was not feeling very brave. 

They sat down for awhile, admiring the night scenery and trees. "Why not we throw some paper planes at this tree too?" Batman suggested. "Good idea. Go get them." Joker said. Batman made his way noisily to his bag to get the paper planes while Joker smirked in his corner.

The first plane Joker threw landed nicely caught between the branches. Joker smirked at Batman while Batman muttered, "Tyco lah." Joker merely shrugged, "At least I’m not suay like you." The next plane Joker threw landed on the ground while the next two planes Batman threw did not land on the tree. Joker then decided to be a nice guy and handed over his last plane to Batman. "Here, I don’t need it since I’ve already made my mark." Joker smirked. Batman was surprised at the offer but took it and miraculously, it got caught on the branches. "Good job. First time your paper plane got stuck in the tree." Joker said.

Batman, finally succeeding for once, felt really happy and decided to just smile. 

It all started with feeling old.

Batman, though, masked most of the time, was starting to feel age creep up on him. Those laugh lines which women once found attractive had deepened to the point where he had them whether or not he smiled. Joker, on the other hand, felt that the acid dip he took in his younger years had finally taken their toil on his skin. Once known for his flawless white skin, and silky green hair, his skin now had the texture of a peeling plaster wall while his hair slowly resembling an afro.

One day during their usual good versus evil showdowns, a little boy who was rescued remarked, "Hey Batman, you’re really fit for your age… 65 right?" Batman was a little perturbed but said, "I work out and eat right, that’s why I am so healthy. But I’m in my late 40s." Joker cackled and said, "Man… you’re starting to look really wrinkly." "So do you, with your pasty white skin." Batman replied. "Hmm… Why not we try some anti-aging stuff. All this fighting is making us age prematurely." Joker stated. "Okay." Batman replied.

The next day, Joker and Batman went to the supermarket to shop for anti-aging cream. However, Joker lead Batman to the oil section. Joker pointed at the extra virgin olive oil section and said, "This is supposed to be more potent than other stuff, and it’s good for hair too." "Really? But okay if you say so…" Joker and Batman stood at the aisle contemplating which brand of extra virgin olive oil to purchase. They eventually bought the bottle that did not look too ugly and was on promotion. 

They then headed back to the Batcave as Batman wanted to keep this whole vanity thing under wraps. Both of them had difficulties prying open the bottle. But Joker saved the day as usual by examining the bottle more thoroughly and finding its weak spot. They then slathered the oil over their faces in experimental amounts. It was a unique bonding experience for both of them as for the first time, they were working together towards a common goal.

"This is the gayest day I’ve ever had." Batman remarked while admiring his face in the mirror. "Well, think of the long-term benefits." Joker replied. They massaged the oil into their faces and let it set before wiping it off with a towel. "Wow, you look younger already. I’m a genius." Joker stated looking at Batman. "Really? I’m so happy… But this is still one of the weirdest days I’ve had in awhile." Batman replied. "Yeah, me too. But just because I’ve helped you, it doesn’t mean that we’re friends. Conjunctio Oppositorum is my life philosophy. Good and evil need to exist for our existences to be worthwhile. Although at the end, there will be a winner and it will be me." Joker answered.

"Orhkay then. We all know who will get the last laugh anyway." Batman smirked.

Haven’t been self-destructive since that day.

Anyway, I lost my earring again == I dunno why it keeps dropping out but argh, it makes me really sad that it may never return.

All my life, I’ve been living more or less like a good kid. Eating healthily, exercising, trying to save money. Not smoking, not trying drugs, not getting a tattoo, not having sex, not drinking alcohol other than that few rare times.

I don’t know why but something has always stopped me from doing all those shit so many people indulge in.

I always thought I was smarter than the rest, having the will power to do the right thing. I always thought that it was the right thing because everyone knows it’s right but somehow fucks up…

I’ve come to realize it’s pointless. Why not screw your body up? It’s kind of fun right. If everyone looks so badass doing it.

I am slowly but surely heading down that path. It’s already started with the unhealthy shit eating. The drinking has potential. Maybe I’ll start smoking next.

Maybe ruining my shitty life would put my perspective of this world in order. 

I spent today seriously contemplating why the world was fucked up the way it was. Where almost everyone, including me, is a judgmental asshole. Where females spend their whole lives feeling insecure about their appearances, trying to catch a guy they ‘love’ with this very pragmatic ideal of love where the more Cs he has, the more attractive he is. Where they are always told ‘don’t give the milk away, if you want someone to buy the cow’. Effectively telling them, if you give away your virginity, you won’t be able to get married. Where the very act of giving out of love, has the potential to ruin their future. Where they are mere commodities in this cruel game of double standards. Girls who are ugly, obese, smoke, swear, seen to be slutty, or trying too hard, are all disadvantaged as well.

The male on the other hand, the ‘buyers’ in this game, the more he scores these trophies, the more he seems like a winner. Of course he is expected to pay for the commodity he chooses by supporting her and the offspring for the period they belong to him. Well, he better hope the milk is worth it.

I’m not saying I’m different. By living in this society, I have to abide by these rules. I have even been shaped to judge people by these very same rules. 

I really really want to change. But I don’t think it’s possible if I stay in this society.

I’ve always gone by the most efficient and effective way to win. Whether it is about education, games, or simply getting what I want. The means don’t matter, only the ends. At least it works in being seen as somewhat successful, with what, being from a top school and 5As on a paper? Of course, I’ll eventually be judged by how much I earn or how big the fish I catch, that was merely an interim examination.

I know it’s wrong. I KNOW that there has to be something greater than these stupid shit that everyone is striving for. But for some reason, the satanic lure of success and money, or rather, being seen as being better other people just controls my life. I just can’t break away. I just can’t drop everything and do what I want. 

But the thing is, I don’t know what I want. Or rather, I have very idealistic dreams that were burned the day they were dreamt of. So they no longer exist. What is expected of me from society, from my parents, from myself are so different. I just want to disappear and be free of troubles. The only way that that’ll happen, is to die. And blah blah, loss of a bright future and being irresponsible, taking the easy way out.

Assholes. But I know right, there’s just some urge to stop someone from taking the easy way out. Maybe I’ll get slapped for being such a prick for not being understanding/sensitive about people who commit suicide. But hey, really, it’s their life, don’t they have a choice? The one thing they can really control, don’t they have an option? Just because their decision affects your life, makes you feel guilty and sad that you could have changed something, doesn’t mean that you can tell them what to do. You don’t have any right. 

I just kind of really hate people. I know there are some good ones out there. I don’t know how they stay pure, or maybe they just hide it better. But all I know is, the world will be a better place without the rest of us.

Today I experienced mortal pain. Seriously, I thought I was going to die. I never knew the pain from diarrhea could be so bad. I was rolling around the bed bellowing swear words. And when I tried to clear my bowels, it wouldn’t come out. So I kinda went to find my brother and asked him for medicine. Thank goodness he had it and had prior experience with this kind of thing so after I took the medicine and rubbed medicated oil, it manage to come out and I was okay after that.

But seriously, wtf did I eat. I’ll never eat that again. I really cannot believe how excruciating the pain was. I was incapacitated from it. I was even considering suicide so the pain would stop.

Anyway, I was feeling extremely lonely last night. Rather, I was feeling this shitty for almost the whole semester. I guess the contrast from last sem is really affecting me. I used to have everything I wanted, but now, it’s gone forever. I mean, friends come and go. Sometimes, they find someone they rather spend time with. It kinda hurts but you just have to accept it.

All I can cling on to are the memories.

Nevermind, I guess I’ll find new friends…? I hate this displaced feeling where I’ve no one I can really depend on. Where the unspoken agreement to be there for each other is lost. Maybe our interests are too different? Maybe I am just a detour in the journey called ‘life’. I guess I’m always the last to know when it comes to friendships.

If I can quit, I will.

There’s really nothing like trying and failing until you don’t want to try anymore. 

I guess I’ve reached that point in life. 

I’ll just hope that I can change course and just… fts. I’ve cried enough tears over this.

I was feeling rather sentimental and emotional so I opened Pandora’s box once more. It’s strange how careless I am with most things but I treat my collection of emotions seriously.

Man the pain is flooding through me right now. I don’t miss the person I suppose. I just miss… the emotions. There’s just something about letters that are special. Something written in ink that will last till I choose to destroy it. Rereading it just makes me reminisce those times when I still believed… or when the person still gave a damn about me.

Emotions are as potent as a drug and what I am doing now is akin taking heroin or something pretty addictive. It’s been so long since I’ve had my last fix. I feel high now. Like not happy per se, but just this woah floating kind of feeling.

It’s true, for every person I loved, I gave a piece of my heart that I will never get back. I don’t think I have much left at this age. But I don’t think regret will do much at this point in time.

Sometimes I wish I could somehow patch everything up and everything would be awesome. But life doesn’t work that way.

Loneliness makes me sad. Work also makes me sad. Failure makes me the saddest.

I think I’m experiencing all of the above right now. 

If anyone wants to know about archi, it really is NOT the course to take if you have an interest in art and don’t know what else to do. Seriously. You will regret it. Like me. 

My body clock is so screwed up right now. 5am onwards is my normal sleeping time and I wake up at 12 earliest. IT really isn’t fun to eat breakfast for at 2pm and feel the afternoon sun, wondering why does everything feel so surreal. I… can’t remember what morning feels like anymore.

And then you get torn apart during crit sessions where you somehow cannot defend your ‘baby’ that you spent so much time designing. I… I don’t know if I can take this kind of shit for the rest of my life. One year was enough. I tasted unbelievable hardship and pain. Man…And I thought jc was bad. I’ve probably grown a lot in character but I’ve aged. Both physically and emotionally. I feel like I am going to die from this kind of torture. 

Clothes. People are like clothes. Some are uncomfortable but you wear them to show off. Some you only wear at home but are super comfortable. It’s so hard to find a compromise. But I suppose when you do, you get married.

I realize I was trying too hard to change home clothes into going out clothes. I really tried to make look pass it. But I couldn’t. There were just too many holes in the shirt and I am not the person to patch it back.

Somehow, I just know that if I stay in archi, I will be single and alone for the rest of my life. Well… It may not be a bad thing, but I’ll always feel like I’m missing out on something. And I feel like I’m always listening to other people talk instead of talking these days. Maybe eavesdropping is the correct term. It’s such a shitty feeling to not belong I guess, and I’m not the type to make small talk for the sake of it… So I guess this will be another thing I will have to endure if I choose to stay in this course.

It’s been awhile. Life hasn’t been that good to me I suppose. I’ve been having shitty sleeping cycles and meals. And I still question whether it is worth it. Almost at the conclusion that it isn’t.

Anyhow, I’m convinced I made the right decision. Once a smoker, always a smoker. Even my 12 year old self could predict what my 19 year old self refused to admit. 

Haha oh well, unless I want to repeat a certain mistake, I know what I have to do. All I have to do is stop giving a shit. It’s not that hard right.

I’ve to stop pursuing love. Everytime I make a mistake, it leaves a path of ravage and awkwardness. It’s… just not worth it. I’m tired. And I get more jaded each time. 

Time to take a walk and sort out shitty emotions.

Yeah I’m mind blown as well. If people my age can earn >100k a night on online poker, why do people bother studying/working for 2k a month? I just… Argh. Need to find my niche in life and get rich so I don’t have to work anymore lol.

‘I think so much pressure is put on women no matter the age to act “appropriate.” Women aren’t allowed to be sexual beings, they are only allowed to be used as such.’

It’s so sad but true. And I am like always in this shitty situation where I can’t decide whether to play pretend or be honest. But I hate being a hypocrite :(

I am so inspired by xiaxue’s weight loss and determination to look good.

I will have the self-discipline to eat less and go gym. Can’t stand being BMI 18+ anymore. I’m not trying to suan people with higher BMIs than me. It’s just that I miss being thin. My metabolism is seriously slowing down :(

I really don’t understand why abortion is debated so often and people get so worked up over it. I mean, it doesn’t even concern anyone but the parents of the child. It’s like, people don’t give a shit about the other people who are already considered ‘lives’ but die because of so and so reason in poor countries. But just because a foetus is a potential life, people who are not part of the picture want to save it. It’s almost ridiculous.

And honestly, I think it’s stupid that people are given capital punishment because of the law that most people agree with. It’s just like abortion. Just that the majority is against it. No one has the right to decide who lives and dies.

And I’m always so damned tired.

Oh and I somehow never learnt the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ bit that my parents once tried to instil in me. I even follow them to places where I could easily get kidnapped. Somehow, it hasn’t happened. Hopefully, my luck will continue lol. 

So I met this nice middle aged guy at arab st today who showed me around his shophouse and his neighbour’s. Really nice of him to tell me all about stuff and walk me down haji lane. He even left me his contact details if I needed help or anything in future. Damn, people like this are one in a million.

By Tom Stoppard. Was really awesome. The first real theatre performance I’ve watched. Well, I probably wouldn’t pay so much unless it was compulsory. But I would think it’s money well spent regardless.

I sort of gained a new insight to relationships. I subconsciously knew it all along but I had to have it staring right in my face to acknowledge it. Perhaps, you can love a few people at the same time because you need different things from all of them. Or maybe I have a commitment phobia.

I think I have too many expectations when I’m in a relationship. And it’s really hard to find a person who has everything I look for. At the same time, it’s really hard to do everything I feel obligated to do in a relationship.

Also, it’s so hard to not take things for granted when they belong to you. And I realize I can’t change. The only thing I can change is the circumstance; letting it go. The thrill of having it come back is something I crave. I will treat it like something precious since I still want it every now and then.

Haha with this current mindset, I can’t enter any relationship but I can live in the moment and the exquisite pain. I’m such a masochist sometimes.

Maybe I’ve read too many shitty romance stories. I think I’ve always enjoyed the pain they go through more so than the happy ending. It’s not love if there isn’t pain. Damn, I think there’s something wrong with me. 

It hurts right now. But there’s also anticipation, longing, fear, uncertainty. And it makes me feel so alive. Hahaha I talk as if it justifies my inability to commit to anything. 

But I can’t help it, I always desire something that isn’t mine.

Soul mate.

Is it someone who you can communicate with without saying a single word? Or is it someone whose strengths are your weaknesses and vice versa. Or someone who is both.

Change.

I’m tired of all the ‘be yourself’ nonsense that this generation seems to celebrate. It’s not true, you can always change for the better. There’s always something about you that is inadequate. It just depends how tolerable that flaw is. 

Zen.

Is it possible? To cease to care about anything. Caring is the root of the problem. If no one cares about anything, there will be no fighting, no struggle, no pain. Is that the answer? Honestly, I wish I could stop caring.

Work.

I’ve always lived a life of striving for things that other people deem important. Am I too easily swayed by public opinion? Or expectations for that matter? I didn’t think getting rich was a priority when I was younger… Yet, when I found out that others have things I don’t, I covet, and then I work to obtain. 

Motives.

When I talk to people, I often realize that my motive for doing things are wrong. And then I get all cynical about people being false. Or am I just different? Is it wrong to compete to win? Is there a point in competing if you don’t win? I could never understand the point. I still don’t.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly autistic. I feel detached from others’ feelings most of the time. I can’t seem to comprehend, can’t seem to empathize. It’s as though I live in some membrane that filters these things out. My parents said I was born a loner. I didn’t seek to fulfill my emotional needs, I just suffered in silence. Maybe it was pride? Or maybe I just… have issues. Sometimes I even giggle when shit happens. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s not even funny, but I can’t help it. It’s as though I can’t formulate a proper response.

Anyway, I’m watching 步步惊心 to pass my new year hols. It’s pretty interesting, my only regret is being shitty at chinese so I can’t comprehend the deep sayings they use to describe stuff. I can only guess :( I think it’s kinda unrealistic at some points, but I guess I can’t expect perfection. 

Although words are cheap, I somehow can’t stop taking them seriously. Is it due to the words itself or the person? Maybe I expect too much. After all, to not expect is to not be disappointed. I’m tired. To be given something and to be given something after asking for it result in two very different emotions. At least dramas have happy endings most of the time. The effort and time put in paid off. Reality has too many flaws.

I guess it’s fitting to write a post on the last day of hols. I am sad :( I guess there really is a problem since I’m not optimistic like some of my friends who think that the stricter the tutor, the better, because you learn more and become a better architect. I just want an easy life :(

I can’t believe how I was whining about the boredom just a little while ago… Just a glance at the schedule and the knowledge of the lack of cny hols makes me wanna cry. Why do I have no drive at all.

Reading Ecclesiastes didn’t help at all. In fact, it reinforced the minimalist mentality. Why bother trying so hard anyway when it amounts to nothing in the end. Just do enough and enjoy what you do. That sums up the whole chapter. 

Meh. 

Maybe I’m jealous or maybe it’s annoying that some people like to post all their intimate couple shots on fb. And it’s kinda funny cos I can still remember what their ex looked like in similar photos. Like really? Is there a need to publicize it to such an extent? Isn’t it awkward to take down all the pics when it ends? Or do you feel the need to ascertain that you’re not single and lonely?

It’s kinda funny how my previous weeks were so empty and now I’m facing a clashing of activities. Argh. And I don’t like to write stuff down (more of lazy) so it’s all based on my somewhat temperamental memory.

Sigh I guess I don’t have that special something that enables me to pursue my dreams. Even though I had advanced warning from Alas of midlife crises. I guess it all boils down to me not wanting my dream enough and being lazy. GRAH I hate being lazy. 

I suppose it’s kinda strange how I make no effort to hide whatever pain I’m going through. Normal people would try to act as if nothing’s wrong but emo in some private place. I dunno… I guess I don’t like to hide stuff, if you want to know that badly, I’ll tell you. Lol, you don’t even to have to want to know badly, curiosity is sufficient.

So… I’ve returned to my real name, pic and gender on fb. What does it mean, I wonder.

Oh and sherlock holmes 2 was really awesome. It was better than the first and I thought the first was pretty damn good… till I saw the second. 

Sigh I wonder if I’ll heal before school reopens. Not expecting a complete recovery but you know, enough to get by.

Actually I think I’m doing this drinking thing wrong. I shouldn’t gulp it down and drink a mouthful of water after every gulp. I’ll never get drunk that way :( So… I guess I’m not coping with it very well. I tried to get drunk to forget my troubles… Which worked to some extent. Am I killing my liver? :(

AND YAY I PASSED. I was so happy. It was like the first course I did, the ‘S’ course which I’ve never striked curb before, I striked it for the first time today. And I was like damn depressed cos I thought I would definitely fail but whew. And after the test, the first thing he asked was why I failed the last time which was -strike kerb. And then I thought argh, fail. And then he was telling me about my other mistakes but I wasn’t in the mood to listen anymore. Then he scolded me for not listening and said that I passed. I was like ‘really?’ in disbelief. So yeah in a much better mood.

I’ve this tendency to make friends when under shitty circumstances aka before the driving test. Find it real easy to connect with people under stress lol, I’ve met two people this way haha.

… But I’m lonely :(

It’s not like it’s my first driving test lol. But argh, I feel so tense and cold and scared in general. I had a fitful sleep because of it and now it’s tormenting me while I’m awake. Oh well, I’ll just drink it off regardless of the outcome. I’m fast becoming an alcoholic lol. Actually, I’m… kinda weak. Half a cup of beer gets me high. I really hope I don’t end up vomiting later.

Sigh sigh and my bank account has never been so empty :( All these #$(%*#$(%% driving lessons/tests siphon the money away from me. Okay and the holiday too. I never knew it’d be this expensive :(

And I’ve been feeling itchy and my eczema is really acting up. Not sure if it’s stress or the weather. Why so itchy :(:(:(:(

I guess my view on relationships changed.

I used to think that as long as both parties like each other, they can just be together without any form of restrictions.

I now realize that things are never that simple. That relationships aren’t a game, that there is a price to pay for such a temporal indulgence.

Perhaps, I won’t be the one paying it this time round but I know I have to stop it before it gets any worse. It’s the right thing to do. The longer I let it drag, the more painful it will become. It’ll be one of the harder things I’ve done considering I don’t want it to end… yet.

Haha I feel as if I’ve become a more considerate person lately, even though I still have a long long way to go.

And I really really like 还是要幸福 by hebe at the moment. It’s kinda suitable for my current mood.

This is the first christmas that I gave more than I received.

I suppose there is some warm feeling that you gain from giving. 

Anyway, I used to think that alcohol is a form of escapism. A delusion for people who can’t handle reality. Well, I still think so. But now I understand why alcohol is so addictive, it really works.

I suppose everyone knows the right way to live. Trust no one but yourself because everyone might betray you someday. It seems to be an easy thing to do but why is it so hard for me. It’ll probably take a rude awakening someday for me to stop my trusting nature. I mean, I don’t trust strangers one bit but friends, I trust them almost 100%.

And I guess I have a really shitty personality. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, I don’t suppose it’d be my last. I really have a horrible temper that comes and goes like mood swings. I inherited it somewhere I guess. And I’m a sloth :( Honestly, for all my jokes about others being forever alone, I think I’ll be the one who seriously, will be forever alone in the end.

I mean, I’m just too far from being an ideal wife/daughter-in-law. Heck, I wouldn’t even want myself for either of those positions. Actually, I’m far from being an ideal anything. All the social roles I play in this life; I suck at all of them. Sometimes, I’m surprised I even have friends. I’ve a feeling it’s because they haven’t seen the worse of me. And for those who have, I’m surprised they stay.

Haha so yeah, I really think I’ll end up forever alone eventually. Even though I’ve had… passing flings and such because some of them think I’m pretty/interesting personality; I’m supposedly at my prime so it’s normal I suppose. After a couple of years, when I lose it all, and they get to know the real me, they’ll all leave me. Haha looks like it’s not that easy to get married after all.

And seriously, some people make it sound like I have a lot of choices. Seriously, come on, maybe they just want me as a trophy girlfriend or something (if I somehow qualify as that), but anything more, nah. I’m starting to feel sad for myself.

The worst part is how I know my faults, but find it almost impossible to change. It’s like, once I get angry, this rage part totally clouds my mind and vision and I lash out at the offending character. And right after I do so, I feel so bad. But if I don’t let it out, my heart starts seething like some fire breathing dragon that is trashing around. It’s like there’s no way out of this other than to not get angry in the first place. But it’s so hard :(

Sigh what a post to post on a christmas day.

I really feel very low these days. Perhaps this is the challenge I asked for. Well, I suppose it could be worse. But yeah, I really can’t stand everything that’s happening at the moment. I just want to get out of the house and not come back. Yeah, you don’t even have to chase me out.

It’s just so depressing to be in a cold war. On one hand, I’ve never been on such a tight leash. On the other hand, I don’t want to lie. But really, if it comes to it, I will lie. It’s not that I don’t understand your point of view. But I don’t accept it. I want to learn to hard way. Let me learn it. I understand that the basis of all this nonsense is ‘face’. Yeah, it would reflect really badly of you if you can’t even control your own daughter. Badly brought up blah blah. But really, being so manipulative doesn’t reflect well on you either.

And I’ve never been the type of person to keep my problems to myself so you know where this goes. And I know how much you don’t like washing dirty linen in public. Well, too bad. You can’t have the cake and eat it. 

Anyway, as much as I don’t like the taste of almost all alcoholic drinks, this would be enough reason for me to start. I never had such an overwhelming desire to escape reality. Okay, school does that to me sometimes, but I really find it such an awful holiday. I almost want school to start sooner. Even though archi is another kind of torture by itself. 

Maybe my blog isn’t going to disappear after all?

Anyway, I’m just so ARGH with the amount of clothes I buy but never wear. It’s not that I buy a lot. Around one thing a month or so. But but it’s like all these pretty dresses and stuff that I don’t wear because I’m scared to wear them. I feel awkward as if I’m trying too hard. So I just end up admiring myself in the mirror and telling myself not to buy anymore because I won’t wear it anyway. I’ve quite a few dresses that have been sitting in my closet ever since the day they were bought :( The fact that I have never had a real job makes things worse because I’m just wasting my parents’ money :( In fact buying things I want (like clothes) and not things I need is a waste of money already.

I went to amk with ham today. Bought quite a number of necessities such as dental floss and hair serum. I was really tempted to buy another dress and this sweated thing. BUT I just know that I will probably never wear it so I didn’t buy it. Maybe I should be a image consultant or something. I can buy stuff for other people to wear haha. IT’s not like I don’t have a fashion sense okay. I just don’t wear most of the stuff I own :(

Oh and I was considering buying baby oil today. I was trying to get the scent particles to come out from the bottle so I squeezed it a little and the oil somehow spurted down my right nostril. It was pretty comical for ham. It was a new experience for me. My nose still doesn’t feel right even after a few hours. 

I guess I’m really torn between wanting to be pretty and not wanting to look desperate. Okay I’m not saying that everyone who dresses up is desperate. But it just doesn’t feel right for me. I mean, I do dress up on occasion but I can’t seem to do so for random outings because it doesn’t feel necessary. I shouldn’t even buy makeup because I use it once in a few months :’( I keep worrying that I’ll be old soon and won’t get to do these ‘little girl dress up’ things anymore. I mean, I’m worried I’ll no longer have the looks and figure to pull off this look.

I really have this bad habit of liking what other people buy. I tend to buy clothes based on other peoples’ tastes (I mean I must agree that it’s nice too) because I rarely trust my own taste. Or maybe , it’s because they have it so I want to have it too. Argh the complexities of life.

And well I am currently watching 原来是美男. It’s pretty decent. Better than BOF. The only other korean drama I’ve ever watched. And I’ve been doing reading on the mindsets of single women age 30-40. Like the pros and cons of staying single. It’s better to prepare in advance right. I want to learn from their mistakes cos well, I want to be happy. Maybe I’m worrying too much but it’s never too early to prepare. 10 years will pass in a flash and damn, it’ll be too late for regrets. Anyhow, anyone who wants to read the info I’ve collected can just ask.  

My blog is still here.

However I am @#*$%$#%*$#%$#((  damn pissed. I lost my pink and black adidas jacket. YES the one I’ve been wearing for the past 2 years. I REALLY LOVED THAT JACKET. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S GONE AND I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LAST PUT IT. FIRST MY FAVOURITE DRESS, NEXT MY FAVOURITE JACKET. WHAT’S NEXT HUH. I’M REALLY UPSET WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW. 

I honestly thought I could keep this blog forever. But I guess. All good things come to an end. Blogsome is closing down and well, this blog will cease to exist.

It was good honestly. I really liked my past 6 years here. Sobs.