“Begone!”, squawks the evil chicken.

This scenario keeps happening to me.

I happen to try to mug something, like open it to the first page or so, then I read a few lines and give up and leave it there. Then someone will accuse me of mugging then I’ll say I didn’t. Because honestly, if reading a few lines which barely sinked in is mugging, damn, I’m a mugger. But then the person will point out that the book/notes are open, and then I feel like if it’s stupider if I try to explain so I just don’t say anything.

Or the other time I actually managed to read a set of notes. I recall almost nothing == Yet seeing that I read halfway and someone saw it, once again, I got into the awkward situation of seeming like I’m a mugger who’s trying to pretend I’m not. Yeah, that’s my point. The thing is, if I really mugged like I seem to, I either am studying the wrong way or am dumb. Whichever the case. Okay maybe I’m not even studying the right way even if I tried to.

Argh, actually I should just learn to not care. It’s pointless.

And while reading my fanfic, I cried. Lol. Okay maybe I purposely put myself into the character’s shoes totally so I can feel the emotions. So I cry along. Ahaha. Then I keep thinking, I’d never want in that character’s shoes.

Then I thought along the lines of never getting close to anyone so I’ll never feel the pain of loss. Well, not again anyway. I… I just don’t think I’ll never be able to trust anyone that much. Like, I mean, trust someone enough to marry that person. I don’t want the chance of losing someone I trust so much. I’d just die if that person leaves. So, it’s better not to create that trust. Or don’t trust that person that much. Though the latter defeats the purpose I guess ahaha.

I blew up at said person. Now I feel bad.

Haha I was rereading old posts and I decided to mention this again.

Frankly, aren’t our lives just like rain drops in this small passage I stole?

“I wonder sometimes,” Luffy said dreamily, as if he was talking in his sleep. “You know, raindrops have to fall a really long way from the clouds to the ground. It’s probably really scary and cold, and the whole time they don’t know how it’s going to end, but they hope for some better future to come for them. And maybe they fall for so long that they forget that there is another way to be; they forget they used to be clouds, and that they were warm, and that they enjoyed sunshine and drifted freely, and the something better that they hoped for is forgotten, and they pray for the cold and the falling to just stop. Just end. And it does end. And their hope was for nothing because it ends the same way for all the raindrops.”

Zoro reached up to touch Luffy, then retracted his hand. “How does it end?”

Luffy’s vision, seeing nothing, continued to gaze fixedly on the blackness of outside.

“They all get destroyed,” he answered.

We used to be happy during childhood. Then school started. A torture necessary for economic growth that benefits just that few people. Happiness? It became something like water in deserts. Or mirages for that matter. And I suppose, work life probably sucks more than school did for most people.

Are you seriously telling me you think life will get better? Or hope it will for that matter? If that’s the reason why people live, hoping that the next day will be better than the last, hoping that all the pain they are suffering will go away some day, why bother?

Chances are that you are just one of the billion raindrops.

I tried to steam egg and read bio today. Failed both lol.

Okay I shall entertain the few readers that actually bother to read my blog.

So… I tried to cook steam egg. I thought it’d darn easy like since it’s just add water and steam right? But, well… I guess it took so long to cook I kept thinking maybe there’s another way to cook it. Then I got impatient and tried to put it directly over the fire. And lol. It’s kinda funny when I think about it. There were so many bubbles spluttering and I had to cover it cos it seemed like it was going to explode. And I turned on and off the fire so many times == Eventually, the egg burnt and I gave up lol.

Nevermind.

And well bio. I tried to read cells. Let’s just say that it was a futile attempt. GAH. I’m going to die next year ==

It’s funny how people who are so much better than me are so worried about school and work already. And I feel like a total loser who’s rotting… I’m scared :(

I keep feeling like running away. Like just reading fanfic day and night. But, gah. My conscience (yes I do have one contrary to popular belief) keeps reminding me of the consequences.

‘i wonder if the pain is worth it.’

I seriously don’t get it. Deb told me to try to enjoy what I’m doing (refering to studying). I… I just can’t seem to.

I’m unable to force myself. And I’m so far behind as it is.

I hate myself for being sensitive to certain things :( Always takes time to get over it. But I guess the presence of fanfics help.

I just feel like. Everytime it happens, I lose more self-confidence in that area. It’s already almost rock-bottom. I think that at this rate, it’ll hit zero. Is it my own expectations of myself? Or is it others’? I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Perhaps, I just can’t stand being compared.

I’ve… Never really been compared to anyone before. But I guess it was bound to happen.

Personally, I never particularly cared about it. I know I’m not exceptional at that thing, but I feel darn lousy at it now. I always thought I was above average. I… I don’t even have the confidence to say it now. Gah.

Now I’m frigging self-conscious regarding that particular area. I guess I’ll either a) laugh it off or b) refuse to do it. I feel like no matter how I try, it’ll never be good enough.

Not that I’ll try that hard just to prove I can, that’s beneath me.

Maybe I’m just being stupid.

Some people are driven in life. Some people aren’t. But you totally freak me out sometimes as we are from different worlds altogether. I’ve never been an on-task person who has crazy initiative regarding stuff. I’m not the type to go the extra mile, but I’ll at least try to do what I have to do. That’s it. Maybe you expected more from me, I’m sorry if I failed your expectations.

Argh. My self-esteem has been hitting the pits lately. It’s taking a toil on my mental health. Ahahahaha. Yeah, I totally find it funny. Not. Even high dosages of prozac mixed with nicotine (aka fanfics) is not quite enough to distract me. I might have to turn to drugs (aka anime/manga of hitman reborn or bleach). I don’t want to. I seriously go crazy when I start a new one. I’m barely existing whenever I start eating that in large amounts. Nothing else seems to matter while I’m in a world of my own.

And I hate how I’m supposed to be mugging. I’ve alot to catch up. I’m dying. I just can’t make myself start on the pile. It’s more like a mountain actually.

Do you know what it feels like to find like 5 dollars on the floor and then pick it up and realize that there’s two 5 dollars notes instead?

I feel like that now. Not regarding 5 dollar notes though. More of, I just finished reading a story with a good plot but lousy english standing at 210k words. THEN I saw that it had a sequel with 290k words. WOOT I had to recheck because I couldn’t believe my eyes. 500k words altogether omg. It’s quite cool how the writer manages to make it last so long. Although some parts of it don’t link well and stuff, altogether, it’s still pretty good (seeing that I continue reading). It’s a hmm… Story ahahahah. It’s quite funny at the same time.

Walao. Today I opened an umbrella in a room and a black cat with white paws ran across my path. I’M CURSED. With bad luck. Darn.

And whew. I FINALLY MANAGED TO CONQUER THE STUPID SONG. It’s no joke to transpose songs one key higher. I have almost no skill in theory == I still recall transposing was one of the shittiest sections in the book. And I tried to do it by hearing, not even counting (I can’t remember how to count darn.). That’s why I was kinda pissed that I had to transpose it. And I couldn’t get anyone to help me without having to go through the trouble to write out all the notes and stuff so yeah. AT LEAST IT’S OVER AND I CONQUERED THE SONG YOSH.

Ehehehe. I’m still feeling happy. 290k words more of a juicy story. What more can I ask for? Oh, another 500k words :) Damn it. I should be mugging.

Ooh the writer is a medical student. Explains some of the cheemer terms like the various specific bones in the body and some diseases. Though ehehe… Nevermind :)

I think it’s rather pointless for people to visit my blog anymore. I guess I’m in my ‘not-into-blogging’ state at the moment.

Anyway, I have yet to get over Itachi. Not meaning to spoiler anyone or anything but, darn, I admire him so much. I’m not quite like the other fan-girls who think he’s dark, smart, cool, attractive etc. It’s just, what he did that seriously touched me. I cried so badly and almost cried several other times. It’s seriously kinda unexpected. Okay maybe I haven’t read enough anime/manga stuff. HAHA alright, I spoilered some people. I think Itachi’s my favourite character. I don’t find him particularly hot unlike naruto or others (Yes I find naruto hot AHAHAHA). It’s just, well, his personality I guess.

Blah blah. I’m into fanfic since I’ve finished the manga. I have to stop it. I have to start being serious and start mugging! I keep promising to stop and start mugging but no, it never happens ==

And op. Well, I hope and pray I don’t screw up.

Naruto is such a sad story. Perhaps I should never have started watching/reading. People keep dying and it’s so painful. Well, they always say that the story is ending when the characters start dying like that.

Argh. At least I’ve matured a little more. Somehow. Apparently pain makes you grow up.

I will finish it and not suffer from people who keep trying to spoiler me ==

Seriously, it’s sleep-inducing… I don’t know or why but it just does… Gosh…

Oh. And there’s something wrong with the toilet light switch. There’s this mild electric shock that runs through your fingers when you press it. Scary huh. I’m afraid of long-term exposure to small electric shocks.

And I’m getting so boring…

Hahahaha I shall write a gp essay. Nah, just kidding. I have zero confidence in my essays.

Anyway, sorry for neglecting my blog for so long. Okay, who cares anyway.

I was seriously pondering during dinner.

I hate it when I have no appetite, food isn’t appealing yet I force myself to eat because… I know I will be hungry and suffer if I don’t. Whenever that happens, I start to question the point in living. Haha okay lah, this only happens occasionally.

And the quote of the day; I’ve lost faith in reality.

Okay it’s more of, a phrase that summarizes my thoughts perfectly.

Even though yes, all I think about is naruto, even now the theme song is playing in my head, my subconscious mind still thinks about other stuff I guess.

The sheer amount of willpower it takes for me to tear myself away from naruto is scary. It almost feels like that is my reality.

I haven’t been online much, have I? Well, I guess people who read my blog know why. Even as I considered going online for once today, I just thought, I’ll just be another green square on the list. What’s the point? It’s not like anyone is going to talk to me or that there’s anything to talk about in the first place. Well, other than pw.

I can’t stand my life. Yeah, it’s all about me, myself and I. I wish I could just cut all strings and disappear. Logically, it’s the best way out. When I suffer, I make people suffer with me. So it’s better if I just not suffer.

And when I think about next year… My blood freezes. Like really. I can’t imagine myself… Torturing myself… For some reason that I can’t comprehend.

We study just because we need to be employed. That was the gist of the final words the econs teacher said to my class. Oh sure, some of you love learning. Maybe I’m just the minority who don’t.

The more I think about it, argh, this is depressing.

I should just quickly finish whatever it is I have to do because I’m obliged to do it. Then get back to naruto.

I can’t stand how I just keep finding new ways to escape reality.

Bah, I’m such a whiner.

It’s just… When I see how others can die for their dreams or for someone they love… I look at myself pityingly. I’m just this… Empty shell. This person whose existence has no meaning. If I can do what they did… Perhaps my life would have some meaning.

And I was thinking about the few minutes of the day I actually interact with my family members. It’s sad. Yet, it’s so hard to change it. I can’t even stand talking to them for too long. Okay maybe it’s just one specific person. Yes, I know that person is trying to show concern and such… But it just annoys me. So I just ask the person not to talk to me. Maybe… Maybe I’m afraid that one day that person will really not talk to me anymore. But I’ll never admit it.

ARGH. I hate this.

Am I really lucky? Am I? I don’t see how I am. I wish I could. Why am I so… Weak. Perhaps my parents should have interfered with my life. Perhaps, it wasn’t such a wise idea to just let me be and grow up the way… I am now.

Sometimes I think I’m not much different from being alone. Did I choose to be alone? I don’t know. But everyday I lock myself in my room except for meals and toilet issues. It’s the same for my brother. Is this the way life should be? I… I really don’t know.

Technology… It gave us too many ideals that we could never achieve.

I’m like not blogging anymore nowadays… I’m addicted to naruto.

Anyway, haha, naruto’s biggest plus point is that almost all the guys are hot == It’s almost ridiculous. I don’t know how the author does it lol. I don’t even know why they appeal to me, or rather, most girls. Actually most of them look girly. Almost all have pretty eyes. Maybe that’s why. And that emo, distant demeanour… What you can’t get is always so much better.

Haha I’ll be blogging once I finish the anime. Soon enough.

At 127, I’m about a third through I guess… It’s pretty good as a distraction :)

And Gaara is so cool and hot <3<3<3

I guess I haven’t been thinking much lately, just… I dunno. Watching.

Today, rather, last night was weird. I slept at around 6pm and somehow slept through dinner and woke up at 4 plus am. Okay I believe I woke up at several intervals. Then at 4 plus, I was like, shit, I haven’t done pw thing. Then I got up and did it.

Bah. It was raining and there was lightning.

Haha it was nice to be up so early… Really. But I skipped dinner. Rather, I ate my dinner at 4 plus ahaha. Not good for my body. And I’m still hungry ==

And I love Gaara :)

I’ve noticed certain trends in Naruto.

When there’s like some secret technique or whatshit, they always refer to it as "that" thing or "it" and it gets quite annoying after awhile.

And Sakura always tries to stop Naruto ==

And the girls have almost no past or particular powers unlike the guys.

It’s quite pathetic really.

The story is just not as developed as one piece.

And there are some illogical bits here and there. Like suddenly Sakura can actually break off the ship’s mast!? Without any training!? It’s like how can she suddenly get so strong ==

At 104, I haven’t cried yet. Che. Okay I dunno why I keep suaning naruto ahaha.

So my latest infatuation, Naruto is at 70 plus. I’m not obsessed. Really! It’s just not the same as one piece… It’s like, I forced myself to watch one piece even though I was damn tired and all. Naruto, I can stop.

Okay anyway, I like Gaara. I really sympathize with him.

AND I CAN’T STAND HOW THERE ARE GUYS THAT LOOK ALMOST TOTALLY LIKE GIRLS. Seriously == What’s the point of making guys that look even better than girls. It’s confusing!

Edit:

I never thought I’d say it but Naruto actually looks hot in episode 80. Seriously ==

I don’t know why but Kakashi is ridiculously sexy. Can’t beat zoro yet but yeah. Zoro is just the epitome of male. Kakashi, as portrayed by fanart and stuff seems rather gay… Like sissified. Eww.

I expected to find sasuke the hottest but no… Ahahaha.

YES I’ve finally started watching naruto. Not as captivating as one piece. But well, nice in it’s own way.

‘Humans created God.’

What an interesting thought.

I’m reading a super good fanfic. Really really really good. And it’s not really about the couples in the story per se.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3784941/1/Final_Betrayal

About 120k words I think. Do read if you have the time.

And this quote from the story is really… Meaningful I guess.

‘Love may change over time but it never leaves us completely.’

Edit:

I finished it. DAMN. It was just sooooo… good. Really. The whole plot sounded so real and possible and feelings encased in it was just. Indescribable. No, it’s not about love per se. It really captures the essence of the strawhat pirates.

I wonder if that’s a good thing ahaha.

Somehow chou’s posts tend to make me think about how sad my life is. Well, not that I don’t already know it but it just makes me think about it again. Well, I don’t mind though.

Summarizing her post, why bother doing any work at all? Just to become like our parents; all they do is watch tv.

I feel rather bad sometimes when I tell my mum I don’t want to be like her. And I find her life sad. And that kind of stuff. I say it in a rather joking manner. I… I wish I didn’t mean it. But well, I do.

So… We just grow up, toiling and toiling, just to grow old and watch tv?

It’s why I find life ridiculous. It’s why I never saw the point in toiling. I still don’t.

Yes, my attitude towards life is wrong. ‘Putting in little bit of effort to scrape through. It’s not to your benefit.’ As my bio teacher told me the other day. Making me promise in front of the class that I’ll try harder next year. That I’ll do all my tutorials. That I’ll listen to lessons and lectures. I hope I can try harder… Like I do with each passing year.

Yes, my grade for bio is deplorable. But frankly, though I’m highly disappointed with myself, I think I can be satisfied.

After all, it’s a trade-off.

I still don’t see what’s wrong with my mindset. Other than doing below average in grades. Do I honestly care about trying to get like A or B? Or even a C? Seriously, those are just letters. To me that is. Yeah, wow, you got those letters. So? Hope you feel like you achieved something. I’m perfectly fine with my D,E,S. Okay lah, S not so much but as long as I get E and above, I’m contented.

I guess my problem is that I don’t know what I’m striving for so I don’t see the point in striving in the first place.

Sadly, since everyone else is trying so hard to outdo everyone else, if I don’t do anything at all, I’ll fail because everyone else does so much better. Damn, it’s all your fault. You ruin your life and mine at the same time.

For what really? I hope you are happy. With your letters.

Ahaha, yes, some may think I’m an idiot because of this. ‘Aiyah, you get lousy grades so you just want to suan everyone else who did better than you right?’ Am I? If you think so, sure. Though, notice how… Contented I am when I get back my results. Even though they are so much lower than yours.

Haha anyhow.

Just in case I suddenly go into coma or what shit during the night, I’d like to say a few words. Treat it as my last words before I die or whatever. The pain is spreading throughout my damned head.

I’m really grateful for all the memories. Thanks for being my friends.

I’m finding it very difficult to cope with the fact that I did so badly for a certain subject but anyhow, I might die tonight, so it doesn’t really matter anymore I guess.

That’s all. My head just really hurts.

I could have been blind. I still don’t know whether I’m lucky or what. At most it’s just disfigurement. Just. Disfigurement.

"Mummy, I’m so… scared…"

WARNING: I AM SERIOUSLY DAMN PISSED OFF NOW SO UNLESS YOU DON’T MIND EXCESSIVE EXPLETIVES, DO NOT READ THIS.

This is seriously on of the most fucked up days of my life. I have a damned splitting headache right now.

Thanks to some damned bastard who has no fucking conscience. And I bestow him the worst curse I can think of; To never be happy ever again.

Let’s examine what happened today. A fucking floorball match. You know, I wasn’t pissed until I visited the doctor who told me the possible ramifications of the shit that happened and now my head hurts like hell.

And the bitch who told her boyfriend, "Disfigured eh." As I walked past.

So this fucker from a certain class which I shall not name, ask if you will, I’ll tell you personally. So we were having a nice floorball match, mixed with both guys and girls. And halfway through, that bastard had to smack my eye with the fucking floorball stick. YES he fucking broke the rules. The stick can be at hip level at most and what the fuck? My fucking eye? And as he bashed my face, my glasses flew off and my eye area was bloody. I was stunned. Like what the hell? And I kept asking where my glasses was and the fucking teacher (seriously inept) kept asking me to be more concerned for myself.

There was a strong urge to cry. I don’t know why. But yes, but I controlled. As I realized it’s pointless. So after I found out that my glasses were safe, I went with a friend to go clear up. Blah blah, it was fun giving myself first-aid. Several scratches on my eyelid with a fucking deep cut where a chunk of my skin came off at the side of my eye. My mum suddenly entered my room and told me I better keep clean or it’d leave a scar. FUCK, I really feel like crying. The consequences of whatever shit is getting to me now. DO you know how I felt when it just kept bleeding? I kept applying pressure but no, it just starting oozing out again?

Well, I was able to laugh it off that because I chose to wear the number 13 bib thing, that’s why it happened. Now, I can’t do it anymore.

Oh and that fucker who hit me? I don’t even know who he is. It’s a ‘hit and run’ scenario. Fuck you. Very nice of you to just run away and leave me with this disfigurement and possible concussion shit. The doctor told me I better watch out for stuff for the next 24 hours and go back. And my head fucking hurts. First it was the back of my head and now the pain is all over.

Is the word to use indignant?

The teacher? Can I call him a retard? Can I flame him? HE FUCKING DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER THAT A FOUL. What the fuck is that? And the other team won. 1 to 0. Oh and the first time the other team did a penalty, he let it go. But when I did a penalty, he called for a penalty kick or whatever it’s called. Fucking unfair? Duh. And he was so fucking annoying. I tried my best to be patient with his damned antics. But he fucking wouldn’t listen. He fucking doesn’t know what’s important. He’s just fucking biased.

So now, I’m disfigured and might become a retard. What a great life.

I really wasn’t pissed until I knew the consequences. Now that I do, I seriously, seriously, can’t forgive you.

WHAT THE @#$@#$^T@$#^%@$%^@#^%@#$%@#$)%@#$*%@#$)(% I @#$%(@#*$U@^%)#$(^*@#($*% hate it when the internet suddenly disconencts or some shit then I lose the damned post

 @#%Q#@*$^(*#@Y!$)HRGY(*&15()*#Q P*(NW#YT P(A YFS*ELNIOUE FLNIU NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS MY FURY THIS TIME.

FSID FUFSIFUFUFIUFUFUFUFUFUFUFFUFUFU

I realized something. IT takes so long to write a story but a matter of minutes to finish reading it. Dunno, just thinking about it.

SOBS I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY TO TAKE BUS TOMORROW :(

Escape by Enrique Iglesias grew on me too… Makes me think of them. ‘You can run, you can hide but you can’t escape my love.’ Sounds rather stalkerish actually. If that love isn’t reciprocated.

BAHAHAHA. I love how I squander time.

The new fanfic I’m reading has such a complicated plot… Noo… I can’t take all the angst and bad feelings twisting around in my heart…

Though, sometimes I feel like pain is the only thing that reminds me that I’m alive.

And I was kinda feeling happy my mum decided to buy stuff for me. Well, when she bought some blackhead remover thingo, I was like wondering why she was suddenly so nice. Then she said, "I looked at your face…" Then I was like == and told her she’d get it later.

Haha, strange how my family always puts each other down. The word "fat" is used on everyone. Like if you can’t think of any insult, "fat" always works.

GOSH, and my sis just loves to insult me. Like I was saying how I ate 1.5 times most people and other girls always eat less. Then she said, "No wonder you’re fat." Then I was WALAO.

Bah, and I can’t stand this hole on my nose. It’s so deep == And it’s in the shape of a hyphen. Wth. I know how it happened though. DARN.

It’s almost funny how we keep trying to arrange to meet up but keep failing. Third time already is it? Lol. Nevermind, absence makes the heart fonder *yucks*.

Anyway, bah, I’m getting boring. My life is just centered on fanfics and fanfics and more fanfics. I worry that I’ll finish reading them.

I wanna write my own!!! I tried actually. But well, I’m not a good writer. Never was, never will be. My stories always screw up. So I’m not that keen on writing I guess.

IT’s more fun to read anyhow :) Just like how I prefer stealing songs than composing my own hehe. It’s much easier.

I’m so boring… So so so boring… Oh well, getting back scripts tomorrow. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I get D for everything. Please please please. That’s all I want. I’ll be satisfied :)

Damn it lah.

Reading chou’s blog post regarding suicde and glancing through the article regarding it (http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2006/03/12/national/national_20002541.php), well yeah I find it darn stupid.

Well, I keep saying life is so darn stupid yet I can’t end it. Anyway, frankly, I really don’t know what are we striving for. It’s just trying to be more and more productive to the point that producing is all that matters. As long as you can produce, nothing else matters. Hurray for human capital (cattle). That’s all your insignifant life is worth. Muahaha. Seriously, what’s the point in being compassionate, not like anyone’s gonna care if you’re suffering but not to the point of death.

Nevermind, I don’t feel it arguing my case today.

Haha, anyway, went to marina barrage with some people from class. Playing water was fun :) Claypot rice at marina square was good :) That’s about it.

Tired and suffering from lack of one piece fanfics… BAH.

Why is it that that we always have to work before we can enjoy?

Is it necessary to have those damned fireworks going off the whole night!? Can’t anyone get any peace and quiet!? Damn it.

I’ve almost finished a 200k story. It really is such a great story!!! But I guess it’ll only appeal to certain people and I don’t want everyone to know my fetishes so NO, I’m not gonna post the link.

But haha. Anyway, whenever I listen to Fallin’ for you by Colbie Caillat, I just keep thinking of my favouritest couple. Seriously, I keep imagining them together at wherever I am. I can just see them being so absorbed in one another, nothing else in the world matters.

YES, I’M DAMN JEALOUS. But what can I do? I can’t be like them. I don’t have that kind of fortune. I’m destined to be alone.

Anyway, yeah, I shall savour the last two chapters… Gosh… I hate how I’m so impatient and rush through things that I enjoy. And then they end. And then I get depressed and get withdrawal symptoms. It’s a form of torture really.

I think I’m fallin’ for you…

HAHA and I was thinking about something really stupid, makes me feel quite dumb yet I still wouldn’t mind if it happens :)

Lol ham’s house was hmm. Somehow, we always never manage to accomplish what we set out to do.

Somehow, we ate, ended up watching one piece for hours. And then ate and went home.

AHAHAH lol and we were supposed to go swimming and stuff lol. Oh well, next time :)

And so I was happily reading when I suddenly heard two really loud sounds. Sounded like something crashed into something or something heavy dropped. First thing that came to my mind was shit, are bombs being dropped?

Then I looked out, seeing no fires and all, can’t be. Then I thought, what the heck, is it a gas bomb?

Either way, I was really quite scared. Wanted to find my mum but I decided not to go disturb her sleep.

Yeah, hahaha, I realized I didn’t want to die just yet. I want to go play tomorrow!

I think it’ll be near impossible to lose weight from now on. It’s just a statement, don’t get upset.

Anyway, haha, I’m infatuated with Dancefloor Anthem by Good Charlotte again.

I hate it when I’m so freaking tired but I force myself to continue reading. AND I HAVEN’T BATHED. HATE BATHING WHEN I’M TIRED.

Haha actually I don’t know what’s with the whole commotion about getting results back. Seriously, as long as you don’t get retained or have to drop subjects, isn’t it enough? Okay, I’m just totally not competitive I guess. And with zero expectations. I don’t really deserve to have any anyway ahaha.

GAH, and I hate how my self-confidence is tied to my appearance. Like, if I feel thin or good looking, I’m more confident about myself. Hence, makeup, contacts, nice clothes, that kind of shit actually helps. I can’t stand my low self-esteem ==

Tired………………….. This sucks. I need to be charged.

Sorry, was real tired the other day. So that’s why I didn’t blog. Haha, reading takes precedence over blogging so yeah… Well, my sabbatical is bitter-sweet. Fun is fun. But tiring is tiring.

Anyway, school. Haha, the usual I guess. PW is so… Stressful. I get more stressed about that more than anything else cos I don’t want to let my group down. All of them are really motivated and pro and such stuff while I’m a noob. So, yeah, scary.

Bah. I should be sleeping. Can’t stand myself.

ANYWAY, I was thinking how. I manage my feelings well. Haha okay lah, not that great. But yeah, I realized that not creating any memories with a person, will allow you to forget more easily. Therefore, there is no point establishing any form of contact with an infatuation that will not become anything more than an infatuation. Hence, yeah, best to forget. Or stalking their facebook profile if you want ;)

Okay something random and possibly untrue. But I dunno, I seem to develop infatuations when I think that person has the same infatuation. Of course, I can be wrong. Which probably is the case most of the time, seeing that I’m the one infatuated in the end.

HAHA Okay pretend I didn’t say anything. Not that it matters anyway. Just sharing personal experiences with you all.

I’ve probably never been so physically exhausted == I guess dancing so many hours, plus a partial recovery from badminton fiesta and an hour of gym just killed me.

Lol, I wonder why I took this sabbatical - ballroom dancing. I have zero potential in dancing. I learn so frigging slowly == It’s such a waste of time actually. Could spend my time doing something more productively and efficiently.

But oh well for the sake of making other people laugh; ham and I shall retake our dance video ahahaha.

Whew, luckily I only had to dance with a guy once. And just one guy for a few minutes. Got to spend the rest of the time with ham. Thank goodness. Luckily, there were more girls than guys. I don’t like close physical contact with guys. Seriously. And the physical context was really close in those dances == Ballroom dance lol.

Hope tomorrow won’t be as tiring. I almost fell asleep on the bus. Which is unlike me. So yeah hahaha.

Haha I can’t believe how long has it been since I’ve been emotionally stable. Meaning, I no longer have a crush. And I’m the type to perpetually crush someone so yeah.

And well, my fanfic obsession helps I guess. I might actually fall in love with Zoro. Well, the Zoro depicted in those stories. The Zoro in one piece anime/manga is just a sex god, to me, anyway. The Zoro in those stories is like another person altogether. IT’s like, he has both looks and personality and ohhhhhh.

NO I still love Luffy. Zoro’s just a passing fancy. Really! I periodically want him, that’s all.

BAH. I should sleep. Can’t believe the holiday is over. And wtf school life is happening again.

Haha darn tired. Badminton is great.

Can’t stand the indecisiveness though. Seriously ==

And pool was pretty good too.

All the shitty work is coming back again. Just when I thought it was safe to run away. No, they come back in an endless stream, mocking me, telling me that I can never escape no matter how far I run.

And I’m becoming increasing vulgar ahaha. Not a good thing. If I happen to get pissed in front of random sensitive people, they’ll think I’m a bad person. Yeah, that’s how people think.

I can’t stand family outings == IT always ends up with me being damned pissed. You know, it’s amazing how certain words or actions vent those feelings so easily that I end up with a grin.

Actually I’m not inclined to go tomorrow. Knowing fully well, well, that I’m not sociable and should stay at home at enjoy my virtual reality while it lasts. But gah, for the sake of pw == OR maybe I should go later. Yeah, that’s a good idea.

As usual, my parents, or mum rather, complains how I complain so much. Do I? I don’t complain about much, I only complain about a few things. Those same few things. And then my dad, of course, sided my mum and told me I always see the cup as half empty. Keep harping that I don’t know how fortunate I am.

I finally mustered the whatever to say to my mum, "There’s nothing for me to look forward to in life, not working, not marriage, not kids. Tell me, what’s there to be optimistic about?" And obviously, she can’t give me a proper reply. Not like she could many of the other times.

I hate work. I hate doing anything to do with reality. Just leave me alone. Please.

Haha I’m back to those good old lower sec days. Where I did nothing but read. Just read. The same kind of stupid books. Somehow, they never got old. This time, I still read. Similar stories, I guess, but they never get old too.

I’ve sunk so deep into alternate reality that it’s hard when I take a few hours of break after reading. I’m so addicted that I feel withdrawal symptoms. Well, at least I still can watch like crazy for awhile.

And I was thinking how. If I were to drop a subject or get retained, I’d consider just dropping out of school and taking a levels as a private candidate next year anyway. Since… It’s not like I actually learn much in school. I feel like I only learn anything before tests and exams. And that’s through self-learning. So, it’s kind of pointless even going in the first place right.

Anyway, back to alternate reality :) I should like print out stories to read during schooltime… But it’d be such a waste of paper and ink.

I think I should limit myself to 50k words plus fanfics. After all, those are the ones really worth reading! There has to be some depth and plot to get that kind of length. Of course, I don’t mind 100k plus. The more words the better. I like long stories.

Really, that story is sho good. Sadly, I’ve to wait till it’s updated sobs. Which may take forever.

Anyhow, I’m reading another story. Isn’t as deep but nonetheless entertaining.

At this rate, I’ll go blind!

Once again from the story.

“Savor your food!” Sanji scolded, and then rolled his eyes when he was totally ignored. He sighed and twirled spaghetti around his own fork. “If religion were removed from society, culture would just be gone, because culture is based on religion. There would be no underlying hope to keep people in line. You see, religion uses fear, hope, and desire to control people and keep them happy and cooperating. When people lose hope that their desires can ever become reality, they become dangerous. Without hope, a government would have to be formed that would use force to keep people behaving, and to protect those who just wanted to exist in peace and needed sanctuary. It would be like living in a military zone. That would lead to revolutions and many wars.”

“How could people live like that?” Kuina asked.

“In fear,” Zoro answered sadly, making the connection between Sanji’s observation and the two wings of Everlasting Manor. “Having no earthly idea what’s going to happen to them in the end, but having no reason to hope that it would ever be something good would be a terrifying thing to experience. That coupled with no impending consequences for doing bad things would make everyone fear both the future and each other. Fear causes people to lash out irrationally, and lose themselves. Lose control over their actions and emotions. They would close themselves away from everyone, and be alone. And in being alone, they would only feel more fear. Full of fear and pain, and bitterness because of it all. That is how they would live.”

One again, from the story.

“I wonder sometimes,” Luffy said dreamily, as if he was talking in his sleep. “You know, raindrops have to fall a really long way from the clouds to the ground. It’s probably really scary and cold, and the whole time they don’t know how it’s going to end, but they hope for some better future to come for them. And maybe they fall for so long that they forget that there is another way to be; they forget they used to be clouds, and that they were warm, and that they enjoyed sunshine and drifted freely, and the something better that they hoped for is forgotten, and they pray for the cold and the falling to just stop. Just end. And it does end. And their hope was for nothing because it ends the same way for all the raindrops.”

Zoro reached up to touch Luffy, then retracted his hand. “How does it end?”

Luffy’s vision, seeing nothing, continued to gaze fixedly on the blackness of outside.

“They all get destroyed,” he answered.

Today was pretty good so far.

Once I woke up (yes, I finally had a good night’s rest), I started reading. I passworded the story cos, I decided it’s kinda personal ahaha.

Anyway, had a decent lunch. Decent meaning instant kuay tiao in a bowl. Well it’s my first time really. Kuay tiao. And I can’t stand instant noodles. The only exception being beehoon and now, kuay tiao. So yeah I think it’s like my first time eating instant noodles this year. Haha and I was thinking 2009 just started, before realizing it’s about to end.

AND my mum had to buy vegetarian flavour out of all flavours == I didn’t think it was weird at first, okay fine I did, but I thought it was alright. And me being health conscious, decided to put half the flavourings and half the oil. It didn’t taste of much. So I went to put a bit of black sauce, a tad too much I guess, and the soup turned really dark. But nvm, haha. And then I decided to add a little extra. I got a few pieces of bakwa from the fridge and put it in. Yosh my food was good.

Then my bro came out and told me to put all the oil or it won’t taste good. So I added a little more. Then I kept staring at the amount of oil on the surface, feeling slightly unhealthy after that. Then he wanted to try my soup and then he said it sucked. And told me his was prawn flavoured (he ate his earlier), I was like WALAO.

I realize meat is an absolute necessity when eating proper meals. Veggies are a bonus. But veggies with rice is not appetizing. Sorry, I’m not for vegetarian food.

Haha then I decided to do the dishes. Feeling happy and all that I’m going out with my family for dinner and stuff. So yeah.

Then I decided to check on my bro and he was watching some stickman shooting each other video on facebook. And I was thinking, it’d be nice to be a stickman.

Back to reading :) My eyes are gonna hurt soon.

I really don’t know what to think.

You keep doing things to hurt me. I don’t know whether it’s intentional or not. Or whether it is just coincidence over and over again.

The thing is, no one else does this kind of crap other than you.

Do you see me as a rival or something?

And it’s just great that I always seem like the bad insensitive one while you’re the complete opposite so… I suppose it’ll be hard to believe even if I confide in anyone.

It’s really like those stories about the deceivingly nice person who actually plots behind others’ backs.

I’m not saying you are.

But how many times can I give you the benefit of the doubt?

I don’t want to confront you because. It’d seem like I care too much. About insignificant things.

But the thing is, insignificant things add up.

Either way, if you are reading this, seriously, the reason for you to do this is gone. Really, it’s gone.

I’m quite freaked.

Like after my bathe, while putting on various creams all over blah blah, I happened to spot a blemish on my back.

It came in the form of two parallel purplish-red lines a few cm long (one longer than the other, bottom one I think) on the middle of my back near my spine.

I was like wth, trying to see whether it was made by a marker or did I hurt myself. It looks it was drawn.

I still don’t know.

So I went to find my mum. "Mummy… I got two purple lines on my back and I’m scared…" "Is it itchy or pain?" "No…" "Aiyah, it’ll go away…" "But I’m worried cos I didn’t do anything." Then blah blah and I was thinking that maybe some strange indian man drew those lines on my back. LOL my imagination ran wild.

Later on my mum came to inspect my back and she thinks I scratched myself somehow. But for wounds that colour, it should at least be a little bumped up right? Like the wound area would puff a little. But there’s nothing. That’s why I found it weird.

IT’S CREEPY. NOOOO…

Maybe I got a tattoo when I was sleeping.

I was thinking about this on the way home. Actually I think of a lot of things to blog about but I always forget them. I made a note in my phone regarding this topic though.

‘Life just gets harder so we won’t suicide in the beginning.’

AHAHA nice quote right.

Makes a lot of sense right.

Yeah you can guess my trend of thought. I was thinking about how life just gets worse and then we start to reminisce and think of how great the past was. Isn’t it stupid? We only learn to treasure when it’s gone. And because life just gets worse, we are unable to treasure the present because it seems to suck a lot already.

Nevermind, pointless thinking about it. I’M TREASURING THE PRESENT. Haha, well, I’m screwing up my future in the process. Like yeah, the whole not mugging at all and then boomz(lol), trying to comprehend everything day before the ordeal.

ANYWAY, I hate how I have this natural insomniatic disposition. I just can’t sleep. Rather, I take so long to relax to be able to sleep. The past few nights were pure torture. It was like, so late and I knew I HAD to sleep but I couldn’t. I just kept thinking about stuff. I forgot what I was thinking about. Some life related thing as usual. But yeah. Darn I wish I had better memory. Anyway, and for the short period of time I get to sleep, I get the most screwed-up dreams.

Seriously screwed-up. That’s why I don’t write them down or try to recall them. I can’t believe I even have such dreams about random people ==

Anyhow, I’m busy reading ehehe.

RANDOM WITTY ONE PIECE STUFF. Unless you watch then you’ll understand. This site is so cool!!! Has all the funny witty anime stuff.

http://amcflaws.awardspace.com/

Day 1917 - Whitebeard (One Piece) - "Whitebeard? IT’S NOT A BEARD! IT’S A MUSTACHE!"

Day 1746 - Baroque Works (One Piece) - The motto of their organization was "secrecy", and they demonstrated that at every possible opportunity with apparel that identified them as said secret agents.

Day 1299 - Kizaru (One Piece) - "He’s always light-headed, not very bright, seemed to be glowing with power but couldn’t overwhelm Rayleigh, had his big chance to catch the Straw Hats gone in a flash once Kuma got there and teleported the strawhats, losing his big time to shine. With how many puns come to mind about him, thank god 4kids never got light of hi-*CRACK*

In the end, the *rimshot* drums broke when we were trying to come up with a good flaw."

Day 1291 - Trafalgar Law (One Piece) - Has the power to literally turn people into dickheads, but doesn’t do so.

Day 1245 - Arlong (One Piece) - For someone going on and on about the "superiority" of Fishmen, he was rather pathetic. / "What’s the difference between you and me?" "You STILL don’t know?" "It’s… OUR SPECIES!"

Day 1202 - Skypiea’s Priests (One Piece) - Consist of a guy whose balls are inert, a guy who takes pride in burning animals and senior citizens, a guy who’s just plain stupid, and a guy who wears sunglasses at night. Is it any wonder they were led by a "god" who wanted to fly to the moon…in a wooden ship?

Day 1160 - Straw Hats Pirates (One Piece) -
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Your past must suck this much to ride. / For a crew that’s led by someone aiming to become the pirate king, where’s the pillaging, plundering, raping and looting?! / Their leader is a ADHD-afflicted hothead, their first mate swordsman that gets lost walking in a straight line, their navigator is a greedy filcher, their cook is a pervert, their sharpshooter is a liar, their doctor is a furry, their archaeologist is stoic, their shipwright wears a speedo all day every day, and their musician is a skeleton with an afro. BEST SHONEN EVER!

Day 1088 - Buggy the Clown (One Piece) - He can’t stay together. He’s always falling to pieces! Yohoho! Clown Joke!

Day 988 - Bartholomew Kuma (One Piece) - Flip flops on all his campaign promises. First he’ll kill everyone. Nope. Then he’ll just kill Luffy. Nope again. Then he’ll just kill Zoro. lol no.

Day 960 - Wiper (One Piece) - Just when you think Pell couldn’t be matched, along comes Wiper. Twice. / Wiper no Wiping, Wiper no Wiping, Wiper no Wiping…

Day 897 - Black Beard (One Piece) - The pie was a lie.

Day 867 - Nefertari Vivi (One Piece) -"STOPFIGHTINGSTOPFIGHTINGSTOPFIGHTINGSTOPFIGHTINGSTOPFIGHTING"

Day 784 - Tashigi (One Piece) - Will inevitably fall victim, literaly, to the stairs curse (aka "has not yet been http://tinyurl.com/2d3n5j")

Redo Day 139 - Sanji (One Piece) - Between his wanted poster and David Moo, it’s no wonder he’ll never get laid / 300+ episodes and he STILL hasn’t realized he can just BUY his way into Nami’s panties.

Day 693 - Dracule "Hawk Eye" Mihawk (One Piece) - Despite being one of the strongest people in the history of One Piece, his only purpose in the story is to lose to Zoro / Doesn’t have a random spanish flamenco theme music.

Day 685 - Foxy the Silver Fox (One Piece) - "Moar liek Count Chocula the Chocolate Vampire, m i rite?" / Was neither foxy, nor silver… that damn split head.

Day 645 - Going Merry / Merry Go (One Piece) - Managed to die in a series where having a name, living in the present and being of the REMOTEST significance guarantees immortality.

Day 607 - Coby (One Piece) - Went from the position of Alvida’s ***** to Luffy’s ***** to Garp’s ***** / Almost got shot with a hammergun.

Redo Day 79 - Nami (One Piece) - Her fights are giant plot devices. Her opponents always have to be dumbed down in their fights against her /

THE MAN OF RUBBER
THE STEEL CUTTER
THE BURNING CHEF
THE NEVER MISSING SHARPSHOOTER
THE REINDEER MAN
THE PERFECT ASSASSIN
THE FIRE BREATHING CYBORG
THE… uh… chick with a pole…

Has a pole, a huge rack, and is money hungry. "The hell were you thinking, Oda?"

Day 537 - Franky (One Piece) -

Wears a speedo.

The same speedo.

24/7.

For at least ten years.

Day 533 - Red-Haired Shanks (One Piece) - Despite being one of the most fear-inducing pirates in the world, he lost that arm rather easily.

Redo Day 71 - Roronoa Zoro (One Piece) - Has the sense of direction of a blind, deaf, limbless mole / His ultimate nemesis is a staircase / That fiend didn’t nearly clean enough floors.

Day 376 - Sir Crocodile (One Piece) - Suffers from the James Bond villain syndrome, he left Luffy barely alive not once, but TWICE.

Day 344 - Nico Robin (One Piece) - Can only be used to her fullest potential in doujins. (LOLOLOLOL)

Day 249 - Kaku (One Piece) - Overestimated the destructive power of a giraffe.

Day 71 - Roronoa Zoro (One Piece) - Repeatedly beaten by a girl who died from falling down the stairs.

I’m so happy and excited you know! FINALLY I don’t have to limit myself to an hour or so of one piece stuff. I CAN STUFF MYSELF TILL MY EYES DIE. Okay no, I’ll just watch and watch and watch… Don’t disturb me.

Anyway, actually, it’s more like, I’ve limited my pleasure time drastically these few days ahaha. It’s back to normal though hehe.

Actually, I like mugging. But I can only do it before exams and stuff. After I mug, like one shot stuff everything, I always feel like I had a nice meal and feel like I’m chewing bits and pieces in my mouth. Metaphorically. So yeah, it tends to feel quite good. And then I get excited that they are gonna test me on how well I ate my food and how fast it digested. Seeing that I don’t do tutorials and revision till day or days before (not this time), it always feels like some sort of challenge or game to stretch my eating powers. Ehehe. But of course, that’s why my grades are such… Not pro enough.

ANYWAY, haha I ate newyorknewyork with ham today :) Shared a whole spring chicken. Pretty good. THEN we had three cotton candies each. Yes very fattening. I’m going gym very soon and very often. Can’t wait!!! Actually no, I’m getting to used to this sedentary lifestyle. Must stop it.

Okay that’s about it, ONE PIECE YAY.

One of the BEST one piece fanfics I’ve read (and I’ve read a lot, though, most were centered on something else ehehehe).

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4193217/1/Telling_the_Truth

Perhaps you should watch one piece movie 6 before reading this. But anyhow, it’s super moving… AHHH I’m so filled with admiration and jealousy. Such a pro writer!!!

Anyway, what remus said today made me ponder. I mean, every now and then people tell me the same thing. Should I really go for psychology? Do I seem like I observe people a lot? Well, haha, I suppose it’s cool. But it’s very competitive and a little how to say, fluffy kind of job. Like I don’t need to take science and all ==

Haha dunno lah. Maybe. If I make it my goal in life, I’ll have a goal :)

And sobs they should have bio on monday… Then I can slack and mug on sun. Now, I feel so argh. Haha I still recall block test bio. I barely studied, was so happy and started watching one piece and all. Well, I shall try harder this time. Though seriously, not much time to do much anyway.

Haha, and math. I hope I’ll pass.

I’m so bored and tired already.

This sucks.

Oh yeah, lately, I’ve turned to fanfics since I’ve exhausted anime, manga and doujinshis. The downside is that they zap my energy real fast. Maybe it’s because I read like tens of thousands of words everytime I start reading. So I get real tired.

I can’t wait for everything to be over! Darn should I start watching naruto or not? The forums I read keep saying it goes downhill. I don’t want to start just to go yucks at the end. But then again, I’ve nothing better to do… I guess.

OKAY I’ve slacked enough. I shall try for a little while more. Hopefully, a miracle will happen and I’ll scrape…

I hate nightmares. Especially those regarding real-life stuff like particular subjects. I had an econs-related one last night, and a math-related one today. I was like, telling myself to focus on chem during my nap but no, it just refused and insisted on doing math. Some strange math though… Don’t think I’ve really learnt it yet.

Anyway, I had a rather interesting dream after the nightmare (I think). I was at my old house, and was trying to grow two bean plants. It was uber cool how fast they grew when I put them under direct sunlight. I was like watching them grow. But they had rather weak stems and all. Then somehow, someone added gummy snakes into the plastic container (they had separate ones), and those snakes were alive == But they just swam around and minded their own business. Then I wanted to add some fertiliser thing but I forgot. Anyway, somehow someone added guppies to the pots which happened to be filled with slightly murky green water and yeah.

Bah. Three more days. I’m scared for the high-content based subject. Especially math :( I’ve never been so unprepared. OKAY I knew it was coming.

And I can’t stand how those multi-coloured cows keep appearing everywhere == What’s the point. I find them disturbing.